I would like a refund on this lottery ticket. All of the numbers were wrong.
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Biggest conspiracy I believe in is that DiCaprio’s relationships are all advertising campaigns for their modeling firms and he’s been quietly married to Tobey Maguire since 2017
Crocodile: “See ya later alligator.”
Alligator: “yeah, I don’t do that anymore Jeff.”
The existence of Kylo Ren implies the existence of Kylo Stimpy.
This seems like a really, really bad idea.
*jumps in with both feet*
Watching horror movies has convinced me that answering a phone never ends well for anyone.
Prince Devitt x Low Ki x Kota Ibushi. One of my all time favorite matches. 🔥
If I was a vegetable I’d be asparagus. You don’t want to eat it because it’s weird, then you love it until the next day when everything smells
If I’m carrying a torch for you it’s only because I want to set you on fire.
I stand out like a peanut in a turd.
Who was the first taxidermist? Who was the first person to say “You know what? I’m into science AND interior decorating.”
*registering with a doctor*
Receptionist: “Thanks for filling in the form – you’ve missed the next of kin section”
*batman runs out crying*
Horror reviews are my favorite thing because they’ll be like “This book is vile. It gave me mono and siphoned all the gas from my car. It is a literal cursed object and I don’t feel safe around it. Five huge stars.”
judge: how do you plead
me: *burps* excuse me
judge: you are excused
me: [running away] gottem lol
KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.
*gets a full 8 hours of sleep*
Me: That’s suspicious
He’s GUILTY! KILL HIM! Inject poison DIRECTLY INTO HIS VEINS!
But first give him whatever he wants to eat; we’re not savages.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Need to get rid of an annoying guest or person on the phone? Take a kazoo to the speaker and blow it directly into their ear.
You’re welcome.
That’s not a halo. It’s the light at the end of the tunnel glowing behind me as I walk in the wrong direction.
shout out to my student loans for being the only one from college keeping in touch
When someone giving me directions says, “You can’t miss it,” I would love to tell them just how wrong they were if I could find my way back to them.
How did girls text before emojis?
Hey I can’t wait to see you tonight! PARTY HAT MARTINI GLASS NOISEMAKER BEER MUG CAT DOG SUNGLASSES POOP
I loved being in high school when the pinnacle of fashion was wearing a secondhand oversized flannel over your black spaghetti strap tank top
YOU’RE NOT THE BOSS OF ME
Predict the weather? How about you predict the lottery numbers, you chubby little rodent
Teach your kids about gambling by letting them lick floors
My wife and I just finished an intense 6-month mediation to pick the movie we’re going to fall asleep 10 minutes into.
Things that don’t exist:
1. Fairies
2. Elves
3. Gnomes
4. Trolls
5. Whatever item my wife sends me to the grocery store to get
“Don’t bite the hand that feeds you” maybe just don’t bite hands. Shouldn’t have to qualify it