I’m rubber. You’re glue.
I don’t conduct low voltage electricity. You’re great for arts & crafts.
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Wife: You’ve been a naughty boy…
Me: Yes I have!
Wife: *Removes mask to reveal she is actually Santa*
Me: NOOOOOOOOOOO
Sometimes I like to imagine Thanos singing the Addams Family theme song just snapping people in and out of existence
[christmas break with my extended family]
*me in Oprah voice* YOU NEED A THERAPIST AND YOU NEED A THERAPIST! EVERYBODY NEEDS A THERAPIST!
laundry day is my favorite day of the week. that’s why I dress for it every day.
For my niece’s 7th birthday, I’m filling a pinata with a smaller pinata. When she breaks it open I’m gonna yell “Oh God! She was pregnant!”
Things that cause extreme panic:
– Accidentally liking a Tweet
– No milk
– Unknown numbers
– The question “you don’t remember me do you?”
The early 2000s
My friends: I met a boy in a chat room, he was so cool
Me: *having just roleplayed a sword wielding, scarred half elf in a tavern chat room* yes I also very boys
my friend asked me why i went to mcdonalds instead of coming to church with him and got pissed when i told him it’s because chicken nuggets objectively exist
Every time a plumber swears assume they’re going to add $100 to your bill.
[highschool reunion]
CLASSMATE: I’m a top chef. You?
ME: I’m an avoca
C: a what
M: an avoca
C: what’s an avoca do
M: a top chef would know
[McDonalds board meeting]
CEO: We need some mascots that cater to children. Kids love clowns, criminals and eggplants right?
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
girls don’t like boys who are punctual..
once this girl dumped me because i came early
centipede: *walking by*
Ariel: whoa what’d you trade
It was easier to pick a career when the only choices were farming and witchcraft
[at bank]
*slides teller a note*Teller:
Me:
T:
M: [winks]
T: Seriously!?
M: uh huh
T:
M:
T: *slides me a lollipop*
The animals in Australia are dangerous, but they’re the most dangerous in Queensland because they can move in any direction.
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
My mom just called to say not to let any of my twitter people know she got a traffic ticket. So anyways my mom has never gotten a traffic ticket, thanks.
The kid’s party I went to yesterday was great until all the kids were given whistles to take home and now I’ll never hear again
Whenever I meet a new baby, I stand still and let it come up to me and smell my hand first before I try to pet it
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I’m leaving half to the dog for eating what I make & half to the Roomba for cleaning up when I tell it to. Forget the kids.
This all goes a lot faster in the movies.
Sand doesn’t even taste bad it’s just the texture
What do you call a parsnip riding a dragon?
A parsnip.
I told my son if he wants to have company over he needs to clean the house. Either way, big W for me.
Now I lay me down to sleep
I pray the Lord my soul…to keep…
If I shall die before I wake–
Yah, I really don’t like where this is going.
The only time my wife will ever scream “DEEPER, DEEPER” is when they are lowering my casket into the ground