The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
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me and the Superbowl rn
[3 AM]
Me: Why are any of us here, really?
Zoo security guard: I’m asking about you, specifically.
I stuffed my mom last night. I know you’re thinking I have an Oedipus complex and that’s gross but jokes on you I’m a taxidermist
The way I see it, you have 2 choices: you can go with the grain, you can go against the grain, or you can go across the grain. 3. You have 3 (three) choices.
[standing outside in the rain]
*opens weather app*
Looks like rain today.
Me: What’s the point if it’s not a little violent, dirty? I wanna feel alive. The blood makes me feel ALIVE.
Dentist: Please just floss more
Me: 🙂
Facial recognition: nope, don’t see it
Me: 😐
Facial recognition: noooo?
Me: 🤨
Facial recognition: no
Me: 😒
Facial recognition: mayyybe??? nvm, no
Me: 🥴
Facial recognition: THERE YOU ARE
Hey I got your text but then I died, I’ll probably like resurrect when we accidentally run into each other though
a good way to greet new neighbors is by practicing your pitchfork-throwing in the front yard & impressing them w/ your deadly accuracy
so you’re telling me a boot cut these jeans
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
[dinner, my place]
“This tastes like pork?”
ME: You asked for a nice swine
“No, a nice wine”
ME: Oh, okay…you still want the crap cakes?
there are 2 wolves inside me, but please no one tell my landlord
The leading method of suicide in Albania is attempting to kidnap Liam Neeson’s daughter.
I have no time for stupid people
But they sure do have time for me.
*composes email*
*proofreads*
*hovers mouse over send button*
*proofreads again*
*is about to send*
*proofreads a third time*
*gets glass of water*
*proofreads once more*
*finally sends email*
*re-reads email just for good measure*
OH NO I SAID HITLER INSTEAD OF HELLO
Jehovah’s Witnesses door-to-door success rate would be a lot higher if they partnered up with the Girl Scouts & started selling cookies …
I’m white, but not “my kitchen island is so big it has its own zip code” white
Friend: check out my conscience shell
Me: you mean conch? *holds up to ear*
Shell: you saw those kids get in that van and you did nothing
A little too much information.
Camels: Can drink 100 liters of water at once and go a full week without rehydrating.
Me: Drinks a thimbleful of water an hour before bedtime and wakes up to pee eight times.
Sharks just aren’t eating enough people.
the icebreaker
waiter: do you want me to bring you some boxes
me: what’s in them?
The pig jumped into bed with my 6-year-old all by herself.
It was super cute.
Then the pig threw up all over her.
Considerably less cute.
Kid: Where do babies come from?
Me: I’ll tell you when you’re older.
Kid: Have you seen my harmonica?
Me: So when a man and a woman…
I show dominance by calling out her name from outside her window while she’s having sex.
The real reason women will never be the ones to propose: As soon as she gets on her knees, he will start unzipping his pants.
The great thing about roadkill is you can teach your kid about wildlife and road safety simultaneously
Wife: *asks question*
Me: *gives answer*
Wife: I’m looking it up on the internet…