Life plan:
1. Befriend shady people.
2. Witness a murder.
3. Enter witness protection & get new name.
4. So long student loans!
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going to the doctor for the first time since becoming a doctor, can’t wait to say “ah yes i concur with your diagnosis”
Just saw a snake slither through my backyard, so if anyone wants a house in Houston, it’s yours.
With all the ways to contact me on social media these days the police still smash through my door unannounced again?
My home pregnancy test came back negative.
I guess my house is just getting fat.
The first person to figure out babies instinctively hold their breath under water probably has a lot of explaining to do……
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
There are poor, helpless kids in Africa who really need our help. But there’s also kids with machine guns so I’m not going.
8:23am: *calls mom, no answer*
8:57am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:12am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:26am: *calls mom, no answer*
9:27am: *takes a shower*
9:33am: *27 missed calls from mom*
9:34am: *calls mom, no answer*
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
Me: my dad left to get cigarettes 20 years ago
My dad: [opening door] I was doing side quests
I once saw a real bear in the wild and said “Aww, look at him!” What I’m saying is, don’t turn to me for practical thinking in an emergency.
Me (on a tinder date): you look nothing like your avi
Chameleon: hold on.
If you cry every day in your relationship.. sit down, take a deep breath & ask yourself, “Am I dating a Human or an Onion?”
Stop putting jumpsuits in with the dresses! I don’t want to take off all my clothes to pee!!!
MOSES: Cool thinkpiece
GOD: It’s a list of commandments. Not everything is a thinkpiece! Jesus Christ
MOSES: Who?
GOD: Oops, sorry. Spoilers
Placing quotations in “different spots” really give others the “false idea,” especially when I’m talking about their “wife.”
There are usually two types of merchants.
The only way I’m gonna hit the gym is if I accidentally drive into it
Nothing like suddenly seeing a spider on the ceiling to make you realize you don’t need a nap anyway.
Dads! Please say the whole of the sentence in the same room.
Thanks.
My teen said she wants to go to the mall with me so we can spend time together, and then the credit cards in my purse laughed and laughed.
(Sigh)
I used to float like a butterfly and sting like a bee.
Now I sleep like a bear and eat like a horse…
[making the first boat]
“How do we get across this river?”
ME: we gotta build a boat
“What’s a boat?”
ME: that’s what we gotta figure out
My swear jar is overflowing with IOUs that no bank will guarantee.
CW: Linda! Did you forget the boss is treating us to lunch today?
Me: *mouthful of food*
*blink blink* No I didn’t forget.
The priest said that the demon really wants to leave, but I’m way too clingy, so the exorcism didn’t work.
I love my son’s teacher, but I’m low key triggered by all these messages about what he can be learning during this. Look lady, he’s currently got his little brother in a choke hold, he doesn’t want to read a book right now
This empty can of Cheese Whiz will now be known as Cheese Was.