The dog I’m sitting got ahold of a plastic knife and was threatening to eat it, I had to offer her my whole breakfast in exchange for her dropping it, and then I realized I had just literally been held up at knifepoint by a dog over some scrambled eggs
You Might Also Like
Condensed milk is from dwarf cows
Scissors [to Rock]: So you beat me & I beat Paper but how does Paper beat you?
[cut to Paper meeting a hitman] Make it look like an accident
If I did the math right, 8 of you are serial killers and 1,246 of you are eating Nutella.
Sister, I can do this until twitter breaks
Fun Fact:
The average 3-year-old boy can stick 11 kernels of corn up his nose before he needs a trip to the ER.
Me: I snuck in my own candy and a drink
Her: This is a funeral home
Me: Without a snack bar
[at a wedding]
*bridesmaids walk to stage*
5 year old: Does he get to pick?
Turkeys are crazy.
They hunch down and freeze in groups
in grocery store coolers to elude hunters.Must be a safety in numbers thing.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
Sometimes at the beach it’s like “gross, is that a condom?” Yes. And it’s staying on. Not looking to raise any shark children.
Don’t cry because it’s over. Smile because your fingerprints aren’t in the database.
“I’ve led you this far so the LEAST you can do is drink, dammit!”
Oh Good..the Cats replacement head is here
Not a single one of my girlfriends has stuck around to see how many old school WWF finishing moves I know.
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
If you want an honest opinion about your hair, FaceTime your mom, and don’t ask her for it.
Women: The best part of my day, is taking off my bra.
Men: Same.
me *walks into house*
wife: Where are the kids?
me *turns around and goes back out*
If you are petting a small dog in your lap, it is important to let everyone else in the zoom meeting know what you are doing with your hand.
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Interviewer: So you say you think you’d make a good addition here at our aquarium. Can you expand on that?
Puffer fish: Yes. Yes I can
The gym is like church to some people. No matter what they do all week, they think they can erase it with one visit.
Hubs: Columbus discovered America not asking for directions so why do I.
Me: He set out for India and went the wrong way.
Hubs: Oh.
Me: Yep.
“Sorry, we can’t sell you one jalapeño for 35 cents. But we can sell you a plastic-wrapped styrofoam tray with 8 jalapeños on it for $2.99. Then you can use the one jalapeño you need, and let the rest go moldy in the fridge for a couple weeks before you toss them out.”
ATTORNEY: What were you doing the night of the murder?
ME: Not murdering.
ATTORNEY: But where were you?
ME: {sweating} The not murder store.
When my daughter is alarmed she says what the fridge! And I’m cool with it.
ME: Why does my stomach hurt?
WebMD: Because of that Ouija board you messed with in the fourth grade, probably.
(Electricians.)
THE GUY WHO INVENTED FIREWORKS: i’m gonna kill god.