[sees huge guy at the gym]
Me: do you take steroids
*guy spends 15 minutes talking me thru his diet plan*
Me: when do you eat the steroids
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Boss: “Are you texting?”
Me: “No, I’m Tweeting.”
Boss: “What’s the difference?”
Me: “Texting would imply that I have friends.”
If commercials want people to look at them they should all start with the sound of a phone vibrating
Me: My new house is making lots of creaky sounds
Friend: That just means it’s settling
My fiancee: *creaky sounds*
Surprised my wife with a paper airplane her reaction proves that women don’t care about origami
Twitter is the social media version of Grease. Ya know, 40 year old people acting like they’re still in high school.
Me: Oh. I got that. I always use a natural product with an SPF of at least 50.
Contractor: That’s not what I mean by a good foundation.
*armadillo comes rolling back in the ball return*
“Wait.. if you’re here, then…”
*cut to wife sobbing at bowling ball* “UNCURL, FREDRICK!”
Got the results of my history exam.
Past.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
*Mom Godzilla calls Godzilla during the morning*
Mom Godzilla: Are you eating your cities? Belfast is the most important meal of the day.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
i couldn’t do an interview from home i don’t have enough bookshelves to sit in front of
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies.
30 is the new 20 until you hang out with 20 yr olds.
health teacher: so, all of our bodies are about 70% water
snowman exchange student: (raises hand)
Dr Suess isn’t that special. watch this:
I’m mad and sad and doing very bad
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.
Not saying my marriage is bad but I swiped left when I saw my husband on Tinder
[freezing huddled around fire]
Dont worry I brought blankets to keep us warm *throws blankets on fire* that should last a good half hour
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Got Christmas card glitter all over me and now I can’t stop stripping.
Shampoo bottles are more dramatic than little brothers. Like I barely touched you! Why did you fall down!?
Her: What’s with the bunny?
Him: I’m teaching him to look into the mirror and say, “you talkin’ to me?”
Her: Why?
Him: Because Rabbit Deniro is a badass and an artist, Lauren.
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
You do the load of laundry that you have, not the load of laundry that you want.
Sorry I mostly speculated about my missing stapler in your leaving card.
Sometimes when I travel I toss a flashlight into my bag and when I open the bag later it’s turned on. So no lightsaber for me thanks.
I could be happily married to some dude for 50 year an id still be textin ma pals like “omg do u think he likes me???”
I noticed my wife and kids were wearing vests so I put one on just so I could say “vest day ever” like a million times. Then I took it off just so I could mention that I wasn’t as invested as they were.