[Catholic church]
*priest hands out “What To Expect At Your Exorcism”Husband: Babe, this isn’t counseling
Me: You said you’d try anything
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If he says I love you and you’re not ready to say it back, just say “I know.” He’ll think you’re being cute and quoting Star Wars. Win-Win.
10% awake: monsters are real!!!
60%: do we have rats?
100%: goddamn that cat
independence day 2 has been out in the US for mere hours and it has already been upstaged by a somehow even worse independence day overseas
Any kid can get their parent’s car keys, watch out the window for someone to walk close to the car then hit the alarm. None of them do it. Kids are slack. We would have killed for this tech in the 70s.
Sorry about my outburst. I was under the influence of common sense
LinkedIn really flies under the radar as the social media platform that’s absolutely the most unhinged
“Who Wants To Be a Millionaire?” would be a better show if the only contestants were billionaires.
People think I’m being fancy when I wear a dress for the holiday but the joke’s on them because I’m about to absolutely smash like 20lbs of food and baby this thing is built not only for style but for COMFORT
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
Today’s Google Searches, Thanksgiving Edition:
Does the steam hitting me in the face when opening the dishwasher door before it’s drying cycle ends count as a spa day.
Cause I think it does.
[God inventing children]
A: Aw, so cute.
G: Make ’em scream.
A: But –
G: All the time. Just scream their heads off.
If I didn’t have kids, I’d be questioning why I found acorns under a fake Christmas tree.
Donald Trump always looks like he’s trying to apply lip gloss in a rear view mirror.
[sees shark fin swimming toward me]
Oh no
[its a boy wearing a shark fin hat]
Phew
[the boy is riding a shark]
Oh no
Masseuse (whispers in my ear): Hey baby, would you like a happy ending?
Me: [flashback to end of Infinity Wars] Yes, please
6: What is the skin of an M&M made of?
Me: Well that’s the creepiest way to ask that question.
Friend: ow I just cut my finger
Me: ouch
Friend: can u put a bandaid on it
Me: *putting bandaid on knife blade* smart, then it won’t be so sharp
I put some doughnuts, ice cream, and snickers bars in my blender for dessert tonight, so yeah-I juice.
Mushroom: what the heck am I?
God: you’re a mushroom
Mushroom: is-is that good?
God: yes, you have a very important job to do
Mushroom: like what?
God: *envisioning Mario* when the time comes…you’ll know
Him: If they ask you any questions, just play stupid. You know nothing….
Me: Oh, I think I can handle that.
When a store says “trusted since 1982” I just wonder what shady shit they were up to in 1981.
My son left a package of cookies at my house then texted me asking me to not let anyone eat them.
So now I’m snapchatting him videos of me eating all his cookies and reminding him of all the times I asked him to do something and he didn’t.
Leaving the group chat so I can focus on my responsibilities as a Shark Tank subbreddit moderator .
I’m sorry I showed you snaps from my colonoscopy after you made me look at your ultrasound. I thought we were sharing pics of our innards.
Personal trainer: Abs are made in the kitchen.
Me: so was this pie
First person to discover soap: I must boil the fat from this animal with ashes and then rub it all over my body. Only then will I truly be clean.
Friend: Dude, is everything okay at home?
As a young child my mom told me I could be anything I wanted to be. It turns out that the police call this identity theft.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
ME: A bag of my favorite peanuts has gone missing.
LIAM NEESON: How did you get this number?