[doorbell rings]
Me: [opens door] yes?
Kidnapper: look I know you haven’t paid the ransom yet but-[hands toddler back]
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If you eat a king crab you are automatically in succession for the crustacean throne.
[house hunting]
Loved that one. Great price & the owner seemed trustworthy
HER: It was next to a sewage plant & he had three eyepatches on
Once a year on our shared birthday, my longtime ex texts me & we exchange simple wishes.
This year he added that he has overcome his longtime aversion to feta cheese, so I replied good, feta is delicious you still haunt my dreams.
“I’m a green onion and I’m here to say, I can be enjoyed most every day.”
-A rapscallion
Squirrels are just hobos with fancy fur coats.
It’s so hot outside, Kermit just replaced Miss Piggy’s sunscreen with honey glaze
Try a craft you’ve never done so you can get mad at a person you’ve never met.
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Tried to make jokes on this plane about the other passengers’ carryon bags, but they went over their heads
I’m my own boyfriend when it comes to farts
Robber: I’ll harm you if you don’t answer my questions correctly
Me: oh God ok
Robber: Where’s the safe?
Me: Over there
Robber: Where’s the key?
Me: In that drawer
Robber: What day is it?
Me: oh no
3-year-old: I pooped! I get a Popsicle!
Me: You’re potty trained now. You didn’t get a reward anymore.
3: *realizes growing up was a trap*
Emma Stone is my girlfriend. Nobody tell her, though. I want it to be a surprise.
I just took an IQ test and apparently I’m a Libra?
Bee: *vomits* oh man, I don’t feel so good *vomits again*
Beekeeper: *reaches into beehive* sweet
Bee: oh hey Jerry, bad time I don’t feel gre- OH GOOD LORD WTF ARE YOU DOING?
“What do your tattoos mean?” They mean I can sit still for a long time
How DARE you go the speed limit in a situation like this…
~Me, to anyone with the audacity to be in front of me when I’m running late.
The first step is admitting that the other person is the one with the problem.
DEVIL: And this is the lake of lava that you’ll be spending eternity in.
ME: Actually we’re underground so it would be magma.
DEVIL: This is why you’re here you realise.
Flatulent: (n.) a small apartment in Brooklyn you let a friend borrow
“Contactless is safer”, I tell my husband
I received a bank alert text for suspicious activity. I was buying fruit.
Tom Cruise still does his own stunts at 55 and I just pulled a muscle reaching for the toilet paper…
My workout was getting me down so i filled my Swiss ball with helium
if ur dad didn’t want to be more than friends then why did he get me that delicious glass of water
As a wife and mother my hobbies include rage cleaning, rage cooking, and rage folding.
Me, wet, shrunken, laying in front of the interrupted washing machine, breathlessly clutching a voodoo doll: FOUND IT
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
Sometimes I put my cat in the sunroom hoping the coyote who lives out back will charge at it and bounce off the glass.