Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
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Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
A fake ID that says you’re only 14 so you can get cheaper buffets
Every time my niece says OK BOOMER I say OK NO PROM
and she cries and I win.
EVERY picture my husband takes of me is like
Yes autocomplete I did intend to say “icing on the cat.”
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
What they don’t tell you about bathing in the blood of your enemies is your body hair is a light magenta for like the next 3 or 4 days. Ugh.
“No! Don’t go into the church! Nooo!”
“Honey, what movie are you watching?”
“Our wedding video.”
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
College guy: [massaging head] Oh man I got so trashed last night.
Raccoon: [massaging stomach with his little raccoon paws] Me too man.
[first date]
HER: Aww, look at that poor old woman at the table in the corner, sitting all alone.
ME: That’s my mom. She wanted to check you out.
MOM: *shakes head, makes throat-cutting gesture*
ME: Don’t worry. That means she likes you.
I’m not super into getting older but I do like how nobody asks me to help them move anymore
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
Interviewer: Any questions?
Me: If Bruno Mars had a sex change operation would he change his name to Bruno Venus?
[dinner at my parents’]
my gf: thank you for having me
me: they’re not your parents weirdo
“When I was a child, I talked like a child, I thought like a child, I reasoned like a child. When I became a man, I did those things online”
Having a little nap on the sofa before taking myself up to bed for my main sleep; I call that a snors d’oeuvre.
Nurse: Where does it hurt?
Me: *Points to heart*
Nurse: Awwww that is so cute!
Me. *COLLAPSES FROM HEART ATTACK*
Today’s Generation: “Omg my parents never let me have anything.” via iPhone.
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
Those 11 British actors I watch on every single show must be so tired.
Me, a waiter: And you sir *writing on notepad* want the paprika potatoes
Him: Yes but without peas
Me *scribbling* the arika otatoes
Whoever left me in charge of all this booze is going to have a lot to answer for tomorrow.
I’m trying to envision something more fitting than this election actually ending in a Biden-Trump fist fight and i cannot
“So you’re a foodie? What’s a foodie?”
“We enjoy eating out and trying new food.”
“So you’re like everyone else, except you brag about it?”
i’ve always struggled spelling out “blood” with my fingers because it always comes out looking like “bbool”
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
me: can i get some ketchup?
waiter: sir, this is a 3 michelin star restaurant
me: my apologies. may i please have some crème de tomato a la heinz
Ex is bringing my kids back home. Time to strategically place the panties I bought from Victoria’s secret around the house
Marked down Easter Reese’s Peanut butter cups got me forgetting I’m supposed to be intermittent fasting.