I pretend to the cashier lady to have two adorable children whenever I’m buying mom jeans.
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I knew this girl, she’s really deep; she’d always find a reason to preach about how size does matter…
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
When young and in college, still living at home, I invited my little sister into the room to chat while I wrapped presents. She might have lasted 2 minutes before uttering a disgusted “Give me that!” and taking over. So one year in 60 my presents have looked good.
[at doctor]
can u cough for me please?
*coughs*
again please
*coughs*
i see i see. i’m afraid you have a cough
No thanks, free health assessment. I don’t want to know what I’m doing to my body
Together, I can beat schizophrenia.
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
“stop making a mountain out of a molehill” I don’t even know what that means Bethany maybe see a dermatologist
Ghost Hunting Camera: *shows me standing unnaturally still for 2 hours*
Me: *deep breath and picks up phone* Hi! I’d like to place order me a pizza? SHIT *click*
always carrying a megaphone in case you have to sigh at someone far away
Today while I was giving my dog a bath a spider fell out of her fur and ran across the sink. If you need me, I’ll be in therapy for the next 48 years.
[opens fortune cookie]
“Your debit card will decline, leave once the waiter goes to the kitchen and wait for further instructions.”
When you go to the gynecologist on Halloween they use a spookulum.
Finally a use for spoilers…
When do I get to find my nice Canadian girl to settle down with and have flannel babies?
Every year, my childless (by choice) brother tries to find the most annoying toy on the planet to send to my kids for Christmas. So this year for his gift, I’m sending the kids for a visit and to keep them entertained, I’m sending all the toys, too.
Me: They say a picture is worth a thousand words.
My advisor: This selfie can’t be your thesis statement.
OMG my brother in law, the gift that never stops giving, was tired of being sent to get rice every day so he decided buy in bulk, talked to the shop about it, wires got crossed, now there is a literal TRUCK FILLED WITH RICE outside the house and my sister is losing her shit lmfao
Stellar hiring process HR. The new lady broke into song when being introduced to me. I give it 2 days before her first cat-related meltdown.
Let’s agree that if we’re both not married in ten years we’ll sew our cats together to make one big SuperCat.
It’s only fair that if the TSA should ban over 3oz of liquid carried on a person, they should also ban a person wearing over 3oz of cologne.
My mom didn’t give a shit what my teachers names were, anytime she had to write a letter to the school it always started out the same. “To whom it may concern…”
I’ve studied enough modern theater to know that inviting another couple over for dinner never ends well.
Every day, thousands of innocent plants are killed by vegetarians….
Help end the violence!!!
Eat BACON!!
#MyExerciseRoutineInvolves carrying a grudge for 20 years
Area rug? Forget about it. Give me a perimeter rug instead. Just one strand around the whole room.
I hate it when you accidentally pick off a bit of dead skin on your lip and you can’t stop until you’ve peeled your entire face off.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
[interview]
employer: where do you see yourself in 2 years
me: talking down to people & doing as little as possible
employer, taking notes: okay, so…management
8 yr old: mommy, why are you laying on the floor?
Me: I just did 438 sit ups.
8: sounds legit.
I’ve taught her well.