Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
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About once a month I think about this NYT correction and I literally laugh out loud for 15 seconds
I grew up in a really small town. The closest thing we had to food delivery was someone egging your house.
Growing up I didn’t think the expensive addiction that would ruin me would be Heinz ketchup but here we are
[first date]
“so what do you do?”
*thinking about the jar of coins I plan to use for new shrubs* I’m a hedge fund manager
Babysitting is a way for teenagers to feel like adults while adults go out to feel like teenagers.
Human: *jumps*
Kangaroo: *under breath* amateur
Human: *pole vaults*
Kangaroo: wait WTF?
The last time I danced at a party, someone told me I looked like a wildebeest on a frozen lake.
Let me show you how you can claim your dog as a dependent on your tax return.
~Me flirting
I don’t know who needs to see this but don’t ever answer your phone on your way home from work. They want you to stop at the store.
If you arrive home, it’s not a holiday, and your driveway is full of family member’s cars, keep going…….It’s an intervention
My neighbor is having a party for his daughter. I have been listening to Justin Bieber for 3 hours. Do not interact with me.
CLICK HERE TO SUPPORT BREAST CANCER
“okay” *click*
WHY ARE YOU SUPPORTING BREAST CANCER U MONSTER
“oh no”
[mom from other room] WTF KYLE
Money can’t buy you happiness. But it can buy you burritos and a Slip N’ Slide. So you do the math.
Me: Your teacher said you clean up her desk everyday at school.
7-year-old: Yeah.
Me: Why don’t you clean up at home?
7: I come here to relax, not work.
[airport security]
*BEEP*
Ma’am, step through again
*BEEP*
Nice try pal, I’m not removing my Slayer shirt
Ma’am, please it’s too much metal
How do u make a Pirate angry?
Take the P out of him.
Me: *buys a blue chair online*
Internet: check out these 16 similar blue chairs since you obv collect blue chairs
I take off my sports bra like everybody else, dislocating one shoulder at a time.
God, grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change, courage to change the things I can, and the confidence of this woman at Starbucks who just pretended to have a dog so she could get a free cup of whipped cream.
I asked 100 women which shampoo they preferred?
.
.
.
.
.
The top ans was
.
.
.
.
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GET the hell outta of my bathroom!
Kinda rude the way this hedgehog is running away from me when I’m trying to stick cheese on his spikes.
Its ridiculous that Wile E. Coyote is remembered for his anger issues and not for his amazing & realistic paintings of fake tunnels.
Chipotle has been hacked for an hour and hasn’t noticed… Taylor Swift was hacked and wrote an album about it 30 seconds after.
Not to jinx this, but last time there was a highly anticipated London wedding on TV, the groom said Rachel’s name instead.
The secret to immortality is looking like a slob. Have you ever seen a ghost looking like shit? No. No you have not
Idk how we’re supposed to tell when bleu cheese has gone bad. It’s already bad. Do we just check on it periodically to see if it’s getting worse? Then one day say “this cheese is too worse” and toss it out?
Little know fact but Michael Phelps was conceived anally. He’s just that good of a swimmer.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Good morning to everyone, especially those who say “oh ffs, what now?” Every time their news notification on their phone goes off
If an Orange tries to sell you drugs, don’t buy them. Chances are you’ve already done enough drugs.