Her: U ready for the next Star Wars?
Me: *sweating* Did we win the last one?
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My daughter just called me “Whatever your name is” so you know I’m killing it at parenting multiple kids over here.
My 8yo (a qualitative soul): How cool is THAT!!
Me (a quantitative soul): *reaches for thermometer*
Awww. It looks like the neighbors are having the police dept over for brunch..
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
Who called them ‘horses’ and not ‘neigh-sayers?’
One of my children is crying because we don’t have a third floor in our house.
We also don’t have a second floor.
My mother’s kitchen floor is so clean you could eat off it. You could eat off mine too, there’s all kinds of stuff down there.
Just watched the movie 2012 and honestly I don’t remember any of that happening.
BUZZFEED: Is Internet Clickbait Dumbing Down Society?
Lick your fingers & stick them in a power socket to learn the shocking answer.
If you have a choice between ugly or fat, remember this.
You can turn the lights out on ugly, but you can always feel the fat in the dark.
Sorry I hung up on you, I didn’t mean to answer the call.
Kevin Spacey ordering a takeaway coffee from Starbucks and receiving the cup with ‘Kevin E’ written on the side.
Tim Cook: “We’re excited to annou-”
#Apple fans: “We’ll buy it.”
Tim Cook: “Let me fini-”
Apple fans: “We’ll buy that too.”
#iPhone6
Vampire selfies are just phones floating in front of bathroom mirrors.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
“You’ve got a friend in me.”
– Cannibals, probably
My favorite Tacobell menu item is the cheesy *checks google translate* little chubby girl crunch
DOCTOR: congratulations it’s a baby-
ME: giraffe?
DOCTOR: what? No. It’s a boy. A human boy.
ME: *looks at wife* you lied to me
you mean to tell me Cameron Diaz dated The Mask AND Shrek? mmmk someone’s got a type
Me: The car battery is flat
Her: Have you tried the AA?
Me: No, it has to be a car battery
me: here’s your glass of ice, ma’am
girl: i asked for water
me: patience, Linda
The “quarantine 15” refers to the 15 pounds people have gained since the quarantine started.
I’m well into my third quarantine then.
The orthodontist says I’m doing a “super job” wearing my retainers. All this really means is that I’m able to put things in my mouth.
Remember when old printers would cope with running low on ink. They’d just work and work, creating ever-fainter images and text, until finally it was white on white.
Modern printers are like, “I CANNOT WORK LIKE THIS!” and then they email someone, trying to order their own ink.
Difference between stoners and drunks are ..5 drunk will start a fight…5 stoners will start a band
Ok I think somewhere we go wrong as a species is not having a defined mating season. bc then if it doesn’t work out during that season you can just chill the rest of the year and not feel so pressured
A Toyota Prius tried to race me at a stop sign. I totally had it for the first 100ft, but I can only walk so fast
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
Mafia boss: “So, did you do it? Is he dead?”
Me, suddenly realising what it means to ‘take somebody out’: “Oh, err…”
*hands envelope to Santa*
I trust you’ll remember this donation to your toy factory when you’re deciding which list I belong on.