Resistance training
But me dragging my kids into school.
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Vegans with children named ‘Hunter’ are why I lie awake at night.
Hey people who say “look at our new baby”,
thanks for clarifying that because my initial reaction was to ask where you got the used baby
me: do you still remember your wedding vows?
wife: I do
me: [shaking head] no it was more than that
I miss the old days when I could say I wasn’t around and you couldn’t check Facebook or twitter to see if I was lying
Haven’t seen Paranormal Activity 4 yet so PLEASE don’t tell me which lamp falls over.
14 is giving me a lecture about one of his video games. Pretty sure I’m gonna fail. His lectures are long, boring, make no sense, and I don’t see how I’ll ever use this in the real world.
Me: Can I have $5?
Mom: What happened to the $5 I gave you in 1998?
[DATE NIGHT]
Me: You and me baby
Her: Ain’t nothing but mammals?
Me: so let’s do it….?
Her: …like they do on the discovery channel!
Both of us: *hibernate for 4 months*
Once kids are awake my usage of the word “don’t” goes up 2000%
Facebook is a minefield of mums saying “Can’t believe this handsome boy is starting year 1!” with pictures like this
me: *gets vaccinated*
friend: now u can come to my wedd-
me: *gets unvaccinated*
Lois Lane: “Clark, have you given any thought to contact lenses?”
Clark Kent: *starts sweating nervously*
“Shut up or I’ll eat your lunch.” Bad fight script writing or okay parenting? You decide.
A techno song lasted longer
than my first marriage
I just hit a duck with my car. Wasn’t even in it. Incredible strength.
I was having a good weekend until my plans got cancelled.
Now I’m having a great weekend.
Describing a female colleague to your GF, saying “you know, the hot blond” is conducive to sofa sleeping.
I just apologized for sending someone a text using shouty font because I couldn’t remember the term “all caps”.
Doctor: “Are you ready for your shot today?”
Me: [Puts on a bulletproof vest.] “I’m ready.”
You can keep your damn ferrets
And your dumb fancy rats
He’s got no time for goldfish
And far less for cats
Snakes are for weirdos
As are lizards and frogs
For him there’s only one choice
I made my 9 year old french toast with syrup this morning per his request but promptly found out that he thought the fork and knife I provided were just a fun suggestion so anyway how do you get maple syrup off pants?
If I owned a moving company, I’d call it ‘Van Gogh.’
When there are only 6 slices of pizza left and it seems kind of silly to wrap them up and put them in the fridge so you go ahead and finish them
Cop: Know why I pulled u over?
Me: Know why I pulled u over
C: Stop that
M: Stop that
C: Wanna go to jail?
M: Wanna go to jail?
C: No.. errr
I can explain a lot of things in Manchester but I can’t explain this 😭
Me: Your sandwiches are ready
16: My ride just got here early *grabbing a sandwich & taking huge bite*
Me: Take them with you. Those Philly cheesesteaks better get eaten
16: *hug, laughing, taking plate w/him* Mama, 3 teenagers, 1 car, 2 Philly cheesesteaks. They’ll get eaten
Me: I love fresh bed linen
Doctor: OK, but maybe stop eating it?
GUY WHO INVENTED THE PHOTOGRAPH: I invented the photograph!
GUY WHO HATES THE GUY WHO INVENTED PHOTOGRAPHS AND IS ABOUT TO INVENT PUZZLES: Cool can I see that?
I promised my kids a genuine New Year’s party: I’ll be putting on my biggest earrings and nicest sweat pants standing on a chair in the kitchen and dropping a ball on their heads
alexa mow my grass with an upside down helicopter