Millions of years of evolution have moulded us into a species that struggles to open the wrong ends of garbage bags.
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Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Worst part of a bottomless pit isn’t the plunge, it’s the endless polite small talk you have to make with the guy falling next to you
I just want to be rich enough one day to name my kid after an Australian mammal or something found in my spice rack.
welcome to my podcast What Are Birds Thinking About where we speculate wildly about what birds might be thinking about today’s guest is once again not a bird
“Why do you wanna work at Clickbait Enterprises?”
Here’s 10 reasons why I should get the job
“ok”
Number 7 will shock you
“You’re hired”
I set my alarm for 3:30 am so I could get up and bark in my dog’s sleeping face. So starts the best day of my life…
[First day as a doctor]
Patient: *throwing up blood*
Me: Ewwww. Why did you eat that?
Me: Where were you supposed to poop?
2-year-old: The potty.
Me: So why didn’t you?
2: I’m too busy.
what’s the point of a quarantine if I’m not going to be quarantined with my incredibly beautiful mortal nemesis for days on end until our sexual tension builds and we fall in love but before we have the chance to kiss the quarantine ends and we must go our separate ways
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Hyena: what’s my name again?
God: hyena.
Hyena: hi.
God: hi.
Hyena: i’m Ena : )
God: that-that’s not your name.
Hyena: oh. what is it?
God: hyena.
Hyena:
God:
Hyena: hi. i’m Ena : )
I don’t know what’s funnier, the fact that our new broom came with instructions or that my husband is actually reading them
Interviewer: Can you stand for long periods of time?
Me [from my wheelchair]: What do you think?
Anyone else wake up in a grass skirt and coconut bra?
That which doesn’t kill you better run for its life when you get back on your feet.
My mother’s relationship with waitstaff assumes that the menu is an enemy code they’ll decrypt together.
Oh, you drink black coffee? Tell your ulcer I said good morning
[first date]
HER: So, do you like children?
ME: Oh sure, I’ll eat anything.
HER: What?
ME: What?
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”
How did human beings express empathy before the phrase “that sucks” was coined?
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
Technically it was only Jesus’s last supper.
These people at work keep interrupting my naps.
My 11yo has started saying “that’s what she said”. Please pray for me at this very difficult & hilarious time.
I believe there’s at least 1 killer tweet in each of us. I must have had 2 and they killed each other.
My dog was outside barking like a maniac, so I opened the back door and screamed, “Jesus Christ! Get in the God damn house!”
Two minutes later, my husband came home and told me that our neighbors are having an Easter egg hunt…outside.
I guess I have to move now.
ME DRIVING THE TURTLES OUT OF IRELAND: This is taking forever.
This skinny girl just told me she “forgets” to eat? Is that possible? I just licked her face in case it’s contagious.
Women: “Do you remember that time…”
Men: “No”
Ok but actually