Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
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Wife: can you please rinse your hair off the soap?
Me: that’s not my hair.
Wife: then who’s hair is it?
Me: omg it’s a full moon.
Wife: so?
Me: *whispers* weresoap.
My body snaps, crackles and pops louder than my cereal.
Owls only seem clever because they’re nocturnal. All the people you’re comparing them to are drunk.
[making out in a club]
her: wanna go to the bathroom?
me: no I’ve just been thanks
Sure you say you don’t want to be a parent but do you really want to risk missing the opportunity to say “take your feet out of the popcorn child!”
Arriving at my funeral, you are woefully unprepared for the sight of my embalmed corpse doing full Van Damme splits between two coffins.
Kids who were good at lying grew up to be meteorologists
My hair has officially hit “accidentally dip in salad dressing” length.
Ask me how I know.
Waved back to a person who wasn’t actually waving to ME, so I turned my wave into jumping jacks to avoid looking stupid.
I’d buy a lot more exercise pants if they were called eating pants.
Btw the funniest thing you can do is openly not recognize a biglaw name. In law school someone told me she’d been an assistant for Mayer Brown and I asked what city they were the mayor of. Her face was incredible.
I must be ill – I thought I saw a sausage fly past my window, but it was actually a seabird. I think I’ve taken a tern for the wurst.
“Son, hey son”
Yeah dad?
“Know why we named you Adopted?”
*Sighs* Because I’m adop-
“BECAUSE YOU’RE ADOPTED”
Good one dad
“I’m not your dad”
I walk my dog at night with a knife in my pocket just in case the person robbing me doesn’t have his own weapon to stab me with.
does anyone want to marry me before this website dies, feels like my best shot x
Where have you been all my life?
Can you go back there?
Establish dominance at your doctor’s office by giving *him* the bad news first.
Why isn’t there ghost dinosaurs? They didn’t all finish their business. They didn’t know the comet was coming.
One drink, I feel glamorous
Two, I get amorous
Three, a bit stammerous
Anymore than four, I’m on the floor,
all drooly and hammerous
guy: you wanna take this outside?
me: yeah, let’s do this
[we take the raspberry lemonade out back and have a simply lovely afternoon]
FRIEND: did you hear about the Salvation Army volunteer who is on strike?
ME: doesn’t ring a bell
Me: So, what do you do for a living?
Her: I flip houses.
Me: You must have incredible lower back strength.
Her: You’re an idiot.
My wife said I need to grow up. I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
My dad is watching American Pie and the sex scenes are somehow more uncomfortable at 36 than they were as a teen
I spelled my name wrong in an email about a job opening. My name. Wrong. But definitely very detail oriented and works well independently.
I’m pretty confident I can perform this Appendectomy on myself.
Thanks YouTube
It’s painful when you lose an ex. It’s even more painful when they come back.
[at office Halloween party]
Me: *walks in*
Diane: *faints*
Boss: *drops wine glass*
Kyle: *winks*
Bob: Hey…your hospital gown is on backwards
I’m “befuddled to learn that people make money on YouTube by just reacting to other people’s YouTube videos even though my son has explained this to me many times” years old.
not me out here checking the growth progress of my potted flowers only a couple hours after i planted the seeds in the first place