[Watching “Aliens,” sees the first alien]
Me: I bet at least one more alien shows up
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Cut out the middleman and throw all your food right into the whiskey.
Phones are getting smarter and thinner. People, not so much.
Seriously.
Who gets “regular strength” ANYTHING?!
“Yeah, go ahead & gimme your middle-of-the-road shit. I’d like this headache to LINGER.”
There’s no such thing as a five second rule if you’re putting it on someone else’s plate.
“If anyone knows a reason why these two should not marry, speak n-”
SHE ONCE COMMENTED ‘FIRST’ ON A YOUTUBE VIDEO
*ring bearer vomits*
Welcome to your 40’s: oh you like surprises? here’s another chin. Surprise!
If I owned a roofing business, I’d call it What in Tar Nation or We’ve Got Shingles or We’re Not Eavesdropping or We Are the Leaders or We Gotchu Covered or
Him: “You’ll never find another guy like me.”
Me: “That’s kind of the point.”
Can anyone recommend some good beginner crimes to try out if I’m just getting interested in crime
Don’t even wrap my subway sandwich up, I’m wearing it out of the store.
Apparently asking the car salesmen how many people can fit in the trunk is a no no.
i may not be the smartest person in the room. i may not be the most interesting, or the most successful person in the room. but i’m definitely in the room
Don’t believe anything a weatherman says until he takes off the jacket and rolls up the sleeves.
[Shop class]
Satan: Whatcha makin’?
God: Trust. Man can use it to form lasting bonds and friendships. What you making?
Satan: A bong.
Me: I would like to summon my daughter and feel her presence once more.
Psychic: Okay. We ask for the daughter to come down and —
Daughter: I’M IN MY ROOM, MOM!
My son is on guitar, my daughters are on drums and harmonica, and I’m on my second ibuprofen.
If you cancel your Twitter account it’s called Twittercide.
If you cancel your Facebook account it’s just called Smart.
[FBI raid]
Pig gangster: “Who squealed?”
Phone: Swipe for Face ID.
Me: [swipe]
Phone: I don’t recognize you.
Me: [smiles]
Phone: I still don’t recognize you.
Me: [holds bag of chips in front of my face]
Phone: oh okay there you are
I sit in the corner eating my tortillas completely confused by this salsa class.
🎶Summer lovin’, had me a blast
Summer lovin’ is especially sweaty🎶
I am truly grieving for everyone who thinks they are too cool to wear a fanny pack because you all deserve to live this unencumbered hands-free lifestyle
I really hope it’s a typo on your resume where it says you’re “goat oriented”.
One of the perks of getting older is if you encounter an organ harvester in a dark alley they usually just ignore you.
Fitness guru just tweeted “remember to breathe” and it was pure luck that I got the message in time.
@XplodingUnicorn LOOK WHAT ARRIVED TODAY!!! SO EXCITED!!! *Dances in place*.. 😊💃
babe are you okay??? you’ve barely touched your chromatica limited edition curry
the council will decide your fate
NO I DON’T KNOW WHY MY KITCHEN ALWAYS SMELLS LIKE BURNT FOREARM HAIR
Rapidly approaching the tipping point at which “I’ll never be able to finish this WHOLE burrito bowl!” becomes “I should order another burrito bowl, shouldn’t I”