On a scale of 1 to girl who just got back from a semester abroad in Europe, how annoying are you?
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CEO: We need to come up with a brand name for these sticks of bread.
Guy who named the meatball: *takes deep breath
waiter: any questions?
me: did courtney kill kurt??
him: uh, about the menu?
me: LOL i seriously doubt she killed him about the menu
Me: is everything ok you seem distant
Them: that’s the wrong end of the binoculars
4 y.o: I used the potty. Can I have a treat?
Me: No. You always go in the potty
4: I can stop
Me:
Apparently I negotiate with terrorists
Sometimes, for fun, I like to mouth words to my husband when he’s wearing earbuds. When he stops to ask me what I said, I just say ‘forget it’ and storm off.
I never scrape my back window so when I back out of parking spots I let Jesus decide if I’m gonna kill anyone
Summer vacation would probably be a little more relaxing if these kids were vacationing somewhere else.
Husband is leaning dangerously out of window whilst he cleans it. Only thing stopping me from shoving him out is that he cleans the windows
Wanna know what it looks like when a tired mother reaches her breaking point? I just tried to hypnotize my toddler to sleep. She seemed to like it. As soon as I was done she yelled “again”!
I got some aluminum free deodorant and baybeeee lemme tell you… I NEED all the aluminum
Those who say English majors won’t succeed in the work place underestimate how much creative writing is needed when completing the annual employee self-evaluation.
I have my own version of Whole Foods, where I eat the Whole Pizza, Whole Box of Donuts, Whole Bag of Chips…
there is nothing more wonderful than the laughter of children, except possibly my own laughter when I’m chasing them off my lawn while swinging a 2×4 with a nail in it
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
I know it’s fiction but the logic in The Walking Dead is so skewed it is impossible to suspend disbelief.
An Asian guy named Glenn?
Please
I ran out of excuses to get out of family gatherings, so I moved out of state.
Dating Profile – Don’t listen to what my wife says, I’m really pretty nice.
I don’t know which meme to get my news from today
Ah, gaily-wrapped gifts beneath a Christmas tree, twinkling lights, mince pies, and an open fire. I’m in a good place right now. I should probably leave before the owners get home.
I bet the hardest part of being a server is having to wait until people’s mouths are full before asking them how the food is.
I started to clean house this evening, but my cat talked me into taking a nap.
[tries to walk into my How to Use a Revolving Door class and ends up outside again] what the heck
“Are you working right now? Where are you working?”
Facebook is worse than my parents.
My doctor said I need to lose weight so I have to cut carbs. Or get a new doctor. whatever is easiest.
Remember when everyone died before gluten-free bread?
My wife and I are going to be super bummed if we don’t get a good grade on our daughter’s science fair project.
NO MATTER HOW MANY ALIENS BIT SCULLY SHE STUCK TO HER GUNS LIKE “NO THESE ARE SCIENCE BITES”. KINDA GOTTA RESPECT THAT.
me: *dipping broccoli in fondue* check it out im skinny dipping lol
waiter:
me: get it cuz its a vegetable haha
waiter: where are ur clothes
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
I woke up in the middle of the night and wrote “dentists are liars” into my phone. Not really sure what the plan is with that.