Oh, the Queen can move in any direction?
Let’s see her walk backward.
Now diagonally.
Cha-cha real smooth.
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I jump out of bushes to give surprise breast exams. I save lives.
The police are on the lookout for me. Probably to give me an award.
Son: can I go?
Dad: storm coming, tornado warnings
Son: yeah I know
Dad: wait for your brother to get home, he can continue the bloodline
[Starbucks intercom]
“Will the man that ordered the Skinny Cinnamon Dolce Latte please pick up your drink. No one is looking.”
“Getting fat” is absolutely a legitimate response to “what have you been up to?”
As long as you’re good at blending in, you can be part of Brad and Angelina’s family too.
[on a 1st date]
Me: I’m just looking to take things slow
Her: *in a wedding dress* me too
Me: Powers out. I’ll eat all the food in the fridge so it doesn’t spoil
Wife: You just turned off the lights
Me: *3 tacos in my mouth* what?
Me: Guys, enough with the trash talk. Who called this meeting?
7 raccoons on Zoom:
Unlike my male neighbor. I can water my lawn without standing there with my hands on my hips staring at my sprinklers.
Attachment isn’t when 2 ppl chat night and day. When someone emails u and adds an image or data file with it,
THAT FILE IS CALLED ATTACHMENT
I’ve never seen anyone go through drug withdrawals, but I once hid my son’s iPad for 10 minutes.
[Bad magician coroner] is this your husband’s body
[widow] no
[Bad magician coroner] isss this your husband’s body
Hollywood’s obsession with hacking scenes in movies made me woefully overestimate how many elevators I’d have to “hack” as a programmer
Not my fault the petting zoo never specified what I was supposed to pet
I turned off the TV today and made my kids play board games like it was 1955 and now I know why all of our grandparents were alcoholics
As I was getting into bed she said: You’re drunk.
I said, how do you know?
She said, You live next door.
Participating in a raid on a secret high-tech underground bunker? Be the guy who knows the access codes. The guy who knows the access codes always makes it to at least the third act.
[sharing a cold one with the guys]
“It’s my turn to hold the penguin now”
I don’t know anything about soccer, but I hope they win.
Go Soccers!
Couples have an amount they can spend up to without discussing with each other. Mine is around $50. My wife’s is around $643.27. Apparently
With me, it’s not PRIDE that comes before a fall. It’s half a bottle of vodka and a coffee table that I forgot existed.
Ninety percent of the body’s serotonin is made in the gut so this beer belly is more like my emotional support dog.
me: *finally falling back asleep in the middle of the night*
my brain: *make her think she heard the doorbell*
Coworker: You smell good. What is that? Armani?
Me: Thanks! It’s Febreze. I just took a dump.
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
Buck naked
My kids bought a huge bag of flour, yet I don’t see any baking going on…are they waiting for me? They’re waiting for me, aren’t they?
Alien wife: I hope you get sucked into a black hole.
Alien hubby: Yours? Hahaha
*slaps where his knee should be*
I am not a show off and don’t brag about going to expensive places, but just left the gas station with the tank full. 😆
I started the electric slide at the park today. You should’ve seen those kids jump.