As sorry as I feel for the man, I think the real victim was the guy who had to count the bees
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A smart car easily passes my Jeep on a hill. “Hey, that’s not right” yells a jogger, who also easily passes my Jeep on a hill.
date: i want a good listener
superman: 🙂
date: who can see inner beauty
superman: 🙂
date: and looks good in glasses
clark kent: 🙂
date: wait what the hell
If you are gonna do conspiracy theories go big or go home.
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
SON: I lost a tooth. I’m gonna leave it under my pillow.
ME: *paying bills online* I’d wait
If you’re bringing a kid to my house, it better be a baby goat.
How many Mexicans does it take to change a light bulb? Just Juan.
I think she is an organ harvester 🤔🤔 #tinder #tinderindia
Honestly, I think Bernie Sanders is just angry about email in general. #DemDebate
When my phone rings, I stay very, very still. If I don’t move, it can’t see me.
My coworkers refused to believe I made the delicious Potluck lunch dish I brought and they kept claiming my wife did. In keeping with this toxic workplace atmosphere of distrust, I’m not telling them it was store bought.
Today my toddler is crying because he doesn’t have his stuffed animal. That he put in the fridge. And yelled at me for trying to take it out.
[quarters & nickels rain from the sky]
Me: what is this
Climate: change
I’ve never been held hostage but I’ve been on a group text.
When people say “To be honest…”, it means that up to that point they’ve been lying.
Me: ooooohhhh look at all the colorful new spring clothes!
Also me: *buys another black t-shirt*
Me: Do you wanna do a scavenger hunt?
Kid: Nah, I’m just gonna play on the iPad
Me: Perfect! Because guess what I just hid
“I’ll take the Batmobile. Robin, you take the–”
[Robin doing up laces]
“The Batskates, yeah I know.”
no april fools jokes for us as we are in the middle of a pandemic. having said that, goofy has died.
I saw a sign that said FREE PUPPIES. I don’t know what crime they’re accused of, but I sure hope they get a fair trial.
Please pray for my friends’ 4-year-old. They found out today 7 minutes of his life wasn’t photographed or videotaped and put on Facebook.
One day you’re young and the next you can’t duck under the garage door without tripping the sensor.
Regular naps prevent old age, especially if you take them while driving…
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Why call it a fake stone you use to hide your spare house key outside rather than a sham rock?
The key to office success is to only have one of two things out on your desk at any time, things you’re working on or things that make you look busy.
Every time I think the younger generation is stupid, I remind myself that we took a long time to figure out that WWF was all fixed !!
I fell in love with a female electrician.
…She was a real live wire and i took her ohm with me.
If a woman wears a ponytail holder on her wrist at all times that means she’s always down to pull her hair back and fight you.
i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple