My girlfriend just called me old fashioned.
I almost dropped my Walkman.
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HERE’S MARKY
I can’t believe “wife-beater shirt” is a commonly accepted term. Do they go well with child-molester hats and puppy-kicker shoes?
Tried to console my ex after losing her bf and all I could muster was, “there’s plenty more married men out there.”
me: dave and i go way back. we served together for 8 years
her: oh wow. army? navy?
me: olive garden
I posted “I did it!!!” to Facebook and got a ton of congratulations but nobody realized I was confessing.
Thanks autocorrect…clearly “I am fantasy” is a better answer than “fantastic” when asked how I’m doing…
I don’t hate my job. I just really enjoy curling up in a ball and sobbing under a blanket in the backseat of my car during lunch.
HER: *Crying* Then after the car accident my dog died, and—
ME: Hey, hey… *puts hand on her shoulder* This is a bad story. You’re telling a bad story.
A dating app for people who suck at flirting called Fumble
girlfriend: at my house we call pop soda
me: ok
her dad: *opens door* hello
me: hello sir, or should I say *finger guns* soda
Mick Jagger: Hey Keith, come hold my new baby.
Keith holding baby, whispers to it: I’m going to out live you too.
“Relax, honey. It’s more scared of you than you are of it.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
me: and my ninja stars
aragorn: who keeps inviting this guy
No thanks Ice Bar. If anyone wants to get me inside a freezer they’re gonna have to murder me first.
The Twelve Days According to Mom
12 stacks of laundry
11 dirty diapers
10 toddler tantrums
9 teenage eye rolls
8 unwashed bottles
7 errands to run
6 kids fighting
5 min sex life
4 mins to shower
3 broken nails
2 giant eye bags
1 tired mom
My husband tried to embarrass me in front of his friends by saying I wasn’t any good in bed. He was shocked when his friends disagreed.
I wonder if Disney Princesses take BuzzFeed quizzes to find out which bored stay-at-home mom they are.
Giving blood today. Not my own, of course. That would be creepy.
My 6 year old doesn’t like it when I take her out on her scooter, but to be honest she shouldn’t stand in my way when I ride it
One time dad asked what my five-year plan was, and I said “death or becoming a pirate king” and he threw my cat Alan at me
? 💀
Home Alone would’ve been over in like 20 minutes if they were able to text.
I flossed the egg out of my teeth for this?
Buying In Bulk
In theory: Oh good, I’ll have enough chips to last all month
In reality: I’m gonna eat 5 family size bags of chips tonight
[Safari hunt]
(Ok don’t tell them I’m an elephant)
*Adjusts hat and shades*
“Elephant?. Yes that way.”
*Points with trunk*
met this girl online and we’ve been talking for a few weeks… what yall think? 😏😏
Me: your honor, my client is criminally insane
Judge: you’re representing yourself
The worst thing about being struck by lightning is knowing you deserved it
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
[last supper]
“Wine!” exclaims Jesus touching everyone’s water glasses. “Wine, wine, wine [arrives at Judas] Mountain Dew lol.”