One time a guy left a full glass of sangria behind on a first date and I pretended I forgot my sunglasses so I could run back and chug it.
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Just remember, we are all just 1 small prescription away from riding a unicorn.
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
You can’t leave the aquarium with a penguin.
It’s a stuffed animal I got in the gift shop.
Ma’am, it’s moving.
I GOT IT IN THE GIFT SHOP!
The universe: “Everything happens for a reason”
Me:
Mulder: it’s some sort of over-fed grim reaper judgment figure.
Scully: we’re at the mall, Mulder. That’s just Santa.
Nurse: “It says here you’re lacoste intolerant? Is that a typo?”
Me: “No. I just really, really can’t stand polos with crocodiles on them.”
The pet groomer didn’t appreciate the 10 dollar bill I slid across the table to give my dog the “happy ending”.
My teen’s sleeve got wet because I didn’t put the water bottle cap on correctly and you’d think I just snapped his Nintendo switch in half.
Why couldn’t the cyclops spell Hawaii?
Because it requires two i’s.
Hell is having a married couple tell you a story at the same time.
I wrote ‘WILL YOU MARRY ME?’ on a balloon. However, before I could propose…
-I popped the question
I don’t like the idea of bacteria in my yogurt so I mix it with hand sanitizer. It cuts down on the taste, but I sleep better at night.
Day 126 with no sex. I’ve lost hearing in my right eye
Do you wish you were always broke?
Are you tired of having a thriving social life?
Is too much sleep boring you?Parenthood. It’s for you
9 out of 10 therapist agree to just be yourself
The other one realizes that’s what got you into this shit in the first place.
ME: This electric toothbrush knocked a few of my teeth loose.
DENTIST: That’s an egg beater.
I asked two Uber drivers to pick each other up and am watching them chase each other in circles around my block until they run out of gas.
Tried to take a drink of water while lying flat on floor and was immediately reminded of my place in the universe.
I often wish that gravity was a more selective force regarding who it kept on this planet.
I’m sorry for a lot of things but I’m not sorry I put googly eyes on your nativity scene
I found an old avocado under the seat of my truck yesterday. It was guacamoldy.
Well, well, well. Guess who the grocery store asked to come back soon
Being the tallest person at work, leads me to believe they hired me because they were short staffed.
I’m at that stage in life where my bladder is at its weakest and my phobia of public toilets is at its strongest.
The way my mom slapped the TV remote not only did it start working it gave up its dreams and is studying to become an engineer
“Morning, how was your weekend?”
Three primary reasons I lift weights:
1. Vanity
2. Health
3. Lifting any dog breed into the air like a little baby
-Are you single?
-No, I’m an album.
Cinco de Mayo means five of mayonnaise in Spanish.
Based on my experience with trying to find the restroom at Kohl’s, I would die first in the Hunger Games.