I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.
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Don’t ever sing Three Times a Lady to a woman that’s gained 20 pounds.
My husband knows this now.
I’ve been repeating the same mistakes in life for so long now I may as well call them traditions.
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
When you have bad handwriting, notes to yourself are just fun little mysteries you get to solve later on
DM:You’re so hot, wanna Skype?
Me: it is quite hot, and a skype sounds delicious. Is that vodka?
DM:
ME:hello…you there
Calvin: the doctor thinks I have dissociative identity disorder
Hobbes: getting a second opinion?
Calvin: yeah that’s the gist of it
Well, we made it 9 years, but it finally happened. Every parents’ nightmare. In the middle of the night our daughter caught us in the act, right there on the couch. Eating ice cream.
teacher: “there are no stupid questions”
me: “ya ok but why isnt the plural of moose, meese”
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
Me: oh wow, this shop has everything my heart desires!
Spooky shopkeeper: yes, I will warn you… every item comes with a price.
Me: yes, I know how shops work
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
me (spent my last $17 last month on 7 large burger king onion rings): ok so lemme give you some advice
You god damn morons. All these celebrity nudes were leaked by the Illuminati to distract us from important shit like karate and hoverboards.
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
Imagine if you could do crimes like a corporation. Like they find 20 kids in an underground dungeon in my house and I then pledge to reduce the amount of kids in the dungeon by 2030 and I’m praised for my efforts to get kid dungeons out of my industry
For Halloween I’m going as an emotional roller coaster.
If you wait long enough to make dinner, everyone will eat cereal.
Follow me for more recipes.
My ex sexually identifies with Ramen noodles, he’s done in 3 minutes
Welp, ’tis officially the season when the evil things come out. I’m talking, of course, about candy corn.
[talking to daughter’s art major boyfriend]
“You know who else had a pointy beard? Satan.”
check in attendant: are you flying alone?
me: I’ll probably need a pilot
Told my coworker to shut up or I would slash his tires. He laughed, I laughed. Now I’m by his car with a knife and I can hear sirens. 🙁
me: sacked? why?
boss: you’ve been working at GitHub for 4 years now and you still laugh at the name
me: you *know* that’s under control [holds clipboard in front of face for 8 minutes]
gender reveal party:
-boring
-only 2 outcomes
-too much socializingfather reveal party:
-exciting
-many outcomes
-party may end early
“Dad, I’m I want you to move back home rent free”
hi I want you to move back home rent free. I’m dad
“Ok thanks dad”
well shit
Wife: Our daughter lied to me.
Me: What did I tell you about telling the truth?
5-year-old: It’s only for people who don’t have lawyers.
Tried cleaning the house to the A-Team theme and ended up building a tank. So close.
Is LSD illegal or just frowned upon? Asking for a giant purple rabbit.
Just looked in my 8 yr old son’s bedroom and I’m pretty sure it can’t be ruled out that the Malaysian jet may be in there somewhere.