what are some fun beginner crimes for someone getting into lawlessness
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Ghost: *walking out with suitcase* I can’t haunt you anymore.
Me: Why?
Ghost: YOU’RE BORING AF.
Me: *puts “exorcist” on résumé*
Dear Samsung,
please also start selling jeans that can accommodate your smartphones.
Sorting Hat: WAFFLE HOUSE!!
Me: oh, very funny…
good morning to everyone but especially the cat who stuck her entire paw in my cup of coffee
Wife: Did u load the dishw-
Me: [slowly turning into a dog]
Wife: you can’t just animorph your way out of every argu–aww who’s a good boy?!
Underwear isn’t protecting you from your pants. It’s protecting your pants from YOU! Another conspiracy uncovered.
Autocarrot sucks!
*getting attacked by a bear in France*
ME: Gnaw me like one of your French girls.
HER: I work for the Red Cross.
ME: *leaning in* That’s a huge plus.
Just went for a piss while still wearing my microphone and the whole conference heard me call the urinal a “thirsty boy”
I taught my son how to spell beer so he’d stop bringing me Pepsi from the fridge.
There are probably millions of songs in existence.
radio stations: what if we only played these same 5 ones though?
Me: [fails Captcha test]
Captcha: haha goptcha
[Folding my wife’s laundry after 7 years]
Pile 1 – I have folded these correctly
Pile 2 – I think I have folded these correctly
Pile 3 – I have no idea how to fold these
Pile 4 – I don’t even know what these are
My stupid belt shrunk again today.
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
Ladies, if he can’t appreciate fruit jokes…
… you need to let that mango.
Guy on Tinder: I speak 12 languages
Me:
Guy on Tinder: I made my niece a yacht out of chewing gum, balsa wood, and macaroni
Me: *plays the kazoo perfectly with my left nostril
Doctor: “You are gonna hear the pitter-patter of tiny feet.”
Kim: “I’m pregnant?!”
Doc: “No-”
*a tiny monkey walks in*
“This is my nurse.”
If only Lord Ram used Apple maps to reach Ayodhya, Beijing would have been celebrating Diwali today.
*exorcism*
DEMON: *roars*
PRIEST: we must restrain him!
WIFE: *opens drawer* here! *tosses fuzzy pink handcuffs*
PRIEST: …
DEMON: hey now
My 9-year-old said I looked tired today and apparently becoming my mother has skipped a generation.
A main part of marriage is heavy sighing to let your spouse know you are upset then saying, “nothing” when they ask what’s wrong.
My favorite thing about eating at a traditional Italian restaurant is getting a side of pasta with my pasta
*Brings axe to slumber party*
“Oops. I thought you said ‘lumber party'”
*Knew the whole time*
*Waits until they’re asleep*
*Chops down tree*
I don’t get the uproar over guns made with 3D printers. I mean how would anyone get a potential victim to put those glasses on anyway?
boss: somebody stole the office thesaurus
me: I perceive your concern however I am not cognizant of the perpetrator
“Rolls Royce” is my favorite car that sounds like an Australian describing a sushi chef
[calling front desk]
ME: Hey can y’all wash these sheets for me
CONCIERGE: Uh oh something naughty?
ME: [thinking about how I made myself into a blanket burrito with real beans] yah
Being grown up is simply knowing that body wash is different from hand soap but the same as bar soap but shampoo is different from body wash and bar soap is not for your hair and we don’t put body wash or shampoo next to the sink or hand soap in the shower