My friend: My fridge broke down, all my ice cream is gonna melt!
Me:
Me: Step aside.
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[guy about to invent bowling]
let’s have some fun, but not too much
As a reward for graduating high school, please accept this basket of live cobras.
I hate everyone in front of me in this traffic jam, everyone behind me is cool.
[bank]
Matt Damon: “I’d like to make a deposit.”
Teller: “Checking or…”
Matt Damon: “Please, don’t.”
Teller: “Savings, Private Ryan?”
Finished my book on how to fall down the stairs, it’s a step by step guide.
“Hashtag.” #ReplaceAOneWordMovieTitleWithTheWordHashtag
I hate hipsters. Their smug faces, vegan diet, tiny feet & sawdust bedding. No wait. Hamsters. I hate hamsters.
Regardless of how strange your life can be, at least you’re not the h in chameleon.
Burning bridges was a lot easier when 7 out of 10 people had lighters in their pockets.
[something bad happens to me and I disappear]
Police: we are offering a $1.42 reward for anyone with information
obsessed with this tiktoker who has leaned into his miss piggy impression by recreating movie scenes like the monologue from hereditary
If “she’ll be riding six white horses when she comes”, she’s probably a little more woman than I can handle.
“I love you” can be the most beautiful words you can hear from someone you truly care about, next to “I got this round.”
You guys ever see a mannequin and think she’s completely out of your league?
TRUMP: if elected i’ll build a protective wall. I’ll call it the great wall
*advisor whispers in his ear*
i’ll call it the really great wall
restaurant hosts will be like “let’s sit them at table 26Bq105” and then a server will just be like “ok follow me”
Made it five weeks at my new job before anyone saw my underwear
In ocean’s eleven one guy’s job was to give a suitcase to somebody and he got the same amount of money as the guy who had to do acrobatics inside a vault
*picks out all the marshmallows from your Lucky Charms*
*replaces them with Flintstones vitamins*You looked a little sickly.
I have some overdue fees at the library, if you’re into bad boys.
If people winked in real life as much as they do on the Internet, the world would be about 542.67% creepier.
right now there are two wolves inside me but i feel like i could still eat like one half more wolf
just saw a guy and girl kissing at her car outside the bar and as he walked back to his car she goes “you promise you’ll break up with her today? you better” summer is so back
Does anyone else pack underwear for a trip like they’re planning on shitting themselves twice for every day they’re gone?
My boss tries to motivate me by saying I should treat every day like it’s my first.
So I keep making mistakes.
“Well-behaved women seldom make history,” I quietly say as I don’t wait the full 10 minutes for the oven to preheat.
Little known fact:
Henry Ford called it an automobile because “Horse with no Name” sounded stupid.
I told my mom that “trying to smash” was slang for going to smashburger and now I deeply regret it
I just spent an hour punching a brick wall. No coins came out and now my hand is broken. Video games lie to you.