🎶And ewe may find yourself behind the wheel of a large automobile
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Feeling tired, might convince a dragon I’m gold so I can nap for a few years in his cave while he protects me from anyone trying to find me.
Door: PULL.
Me: Don’t tell me what to do.
can’t a grown man in a phantom of the opera face mask just go grocery shopping like everybody else!? geeze.
Is this the real life?
Is this just
The fact that it’s still not legal to print your own money is bullshit.
If you say safety in Numbers you haven’t read Numbers.
You are what you eat?
*eats Natalie Portman*
“Avocado Kedavra”
-Harry Potter before tuning his enemies into guacamole
BOSS: do you know why I called you today?
ME: because I work on Thursdays?
BOSS: no it’s because- wait what no you work every day
ME: wow you should call more
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Wife: I think the washer went out
Me: What time will it be back?
Wife: Please get my suitcase
Ik the point of all cult documentaries is anyone can fall into a cult but I rly don’t see it happening for me just bc I’m sooo lazy and the odds of me signing up for an empowerment or healing workshop are below zero like I hate having stuff to do
store clerk: can I help you find anything
me: yes *hands over where’s waldo book*
Rich people don’t put their couches against their wall. I moved my couch into the middle of the floor and still haven’t gotten rich. Idk what I’m doing wrong here
I invited Jim for dinner
“Jim from church or Jim who travels everywhere by catapult?”
[Loud thud on the roof]
*sigh* “I’ll get the ladders”
Dr: How many drinks do you have per week?
Me: Four-
Dr: okay
Me: -teen
Dr:
Me: -ish.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
*the great barrier reef is destroyed but a new one forms in its place* what a rereef
Me: For who the bell tolls…
Teacher: You forgot the ‘M’.
Me:Oh…
Me:
Me: For who them bells toll…
Shoutout to all those whose life is full of “I shouldn’t have done that”
I went into my local bookstore and asked for a book on turtles. “Hardback?” The assistant asked.
“Yes” I replied, “with little heads”
I have two boyfriends!
Well, I’m dating two men
Okay. Ben and I are just friends
Same with Jerry
Fine. I have ice cream.
But it’s love.
The devil on my left shoulder says “bring frozen fish sticks to the office potluck”
And the worse devil on my right shoulder says “and then cook them in the staff lounge microwave”
Having a loose stool means two completely different things depending on if you are a nurse or a bartender.
According to this Fitbit, the coroner should’ve been here 10 minutes ago.
Ever listened to 90s R&B lyrics?
Sex you up?
Licky boom-boom down?
No wonder none of us know what the hell were doing in relationships
If someone gives you a giant box of fudge, how long is it customary to pretend like you haven’t already eaten the entire box?
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
“Londoners need to be more afraid”
Nah, we’re British, we only panic about a light snow or finding out we’re out of milk.
HEY TWITTER IF I WANTED 10,000 CHARACTERS THAT I WASN’T INTERESTED IN I WOULD START WATCHING GAME OF THRONES