Tried to save some money by getting Halloween candy at Aldi. I hope kids like Twicks, Skattles, and 4 Musketeers.
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I’m failing my French class, or should I say “Ich bin versagen mein Franzosisch klasse”
My wife: Have the kids been acting weird today?
Me: I don’t think it’s an act.
[Hospital front desk]
“Yeah my wife is here for weight loss surg-”
*wife hits me*
“Baby delivery, I mean she’s here to deliver a baby”
I enjoy long walks on the beach and that thing you just did with that banana.
i actually laughed 😩
gf: u wanna put something dirty on tv
me: *seductively drapes my socks on television*
I hate putting down the toilet seat because I’m afraid of hurting it’s feelings
Dogs are too pure for this world 🥺🥺
#goldenretriever #dogs
[At Mall]
Good cop: CLEAR A PATH PEOPLE!
Bad cop: OFFICIAL POLICE BUSINESS
Black Friday cop: *Segways past everyone & gets the last HDTV*
It’s not that he liked big butts; it’s that he could not lie. THAT’S why Sir Mix-a-Lot deserved his knighthood.
I just said “haha omg I love your ugly sweater!” to my CW knowing full well it’s just one of her normal sweaters.
Acting like you’re reaching to answer the reference desk phone while you’re actually trying to let the other librarian get to it first is an upper-level skill, they don’t teach you this stuff in library school
I’ve never seen a chameleon. Good job, chameleons.
Me: Let’s start a mom and daughter journal!
12: It’s called texting.
“Paper or pl..”
..astic! OMG we finish each other’s sentences! You complete mmmm…
“I’m not saying ‘me'”
ME! OMG we did it again!
“…”
People who talk to themselves are more intelligent then those who don’t, or at least that’s what I like to tell myself.
The best part of working retail is when a customer insists you “check in the back”
Our inventory system is pretty rock solid, Susan, but sure, I could use a 5 minute break pretending to look
I have literally never stopped thinking about this
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
At my parent’s house, or as I like to call it, the world’s most judgmental self-service laundromat.
nothing kills high school nostalgia faster than a scroll down your facebook feed
When you text “Hugs” to someone and autocorrect decides what they really need is a lesson in particle physics and changes it to “Higgs”.
This girl wants to sing with me but I don’t wanna duet
If I suddenly had the ability to teleport, I’d spend an entire day popping up naked in front of people and asking for John Connor.
I just wished a Bride-to-be good luck on her first marriage.
She didn’t seem to appreciate my sincerity.
Wife: I’m sorry I had sex with your best friend.
Me: With Harrison? How could you!?
Harrison: woof *wags tail innocently*
Wife: No, your other best friend!
Me: *looks accusingly at my X-Box*
Mozart at 6 years old: composing a minuet
Me at 6 years old: figuring out which marker is the tastiest
[Man starts having a heart attack on a United flight]
Attendant: “Is there a doctor on board?”
Ian: “I’m a-”
*gets dragged off the flight*
date: i think i’m going to leave.
me: [absolutely covered with seaweed] but your bio said you LIKED long walks on the beach.
HER: Now that we’re in lockdown, we really need to ration our snacks
ME: *sprinkling Oreo crumbs over a log cabin made of Snickers* Yeah definitely