Go to bed barstool. You’re drunk
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Still my favourite meme.
Ended a date early one time so I could come home and eat my hawaiian bbq leftovers before anyone else got to it
I’m at my most Ninja Turtle when I remove a manhole cover & jump into the sewers to avoid making eye contact with someone I know in public.
Well Officer..we didn’t have a bottle so that dead guy over there..
“Him?”
No the other dead guy..suggested “Spin The .44”..And I WON!
As his name is not “Biggest Bird”, we are to understand that Sesame Street is home to at least one, perhaps more, truly immense unseen birds
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
me: *sees bags of soil stacked in garden center
brain: slap ‘em, slap ‘em hard
John won’t let me go to dinner in my towel even thought it is my favorite outfit
I don’t care if you used to be the village bicycle…
All that matters is that you’re my bicycle now.
~inspirational tweet
I’m 35 and have never been divorced!!!
I’ve never been married either but at this age you have to focus on the good parts.
My 5yo tries to get out of sharing her food with me by saying there’s gluten in it.
I’m raising an evil genius.
My son continued to wear his earbuds shopping with me after I told him not to so he didn’t hear me say I was leaving.
Hope he finds a ride home.
Moose: Sorry, I need to quit this yoga class.
Yoga Instructor: NahMooseStay!
🤣🤣🤣
Through a telescope, I see a woman on a planet light years away.
She waves.
I wave.
I awkwardly realize she is waving to the guy behind me.
Apparently, “I’m not circumventing your authority, I’m just trying to get around it”, was not the answer HR was looking for.
I loved her polka dot dress. She had really nice taste and always looked amazing.
-me as a witness, describing the murderer
Mary Had a Little Lamb, Little Lamb, Little
Lamb. Maybe she wasn’t that hungry.
[stops girl before she walks in the puddle]
“I got this one babe, *pulling out a straw* stand back”
Like most major sports injuries, almost all Rock, Paper, Scissors injuries occur because of insufficient stretching before the match.
She’s a 10 which makes it hard for her to find decent shoes.
Unicorns: *just jabbing holes in everything*
Noah: nope.
11-year-old: I can’t wait until it’s too cold outside for spiders.
Me: That just means they’ll come inside.
11: No furnace this year.
If your opponent cracks his knuckles before a fight, have comfort knowing that osteoarthritis will, in due time, avenge your savage beating.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Bad idea? Son, I got married in my 20s. Ideas don’t get any worse than that.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
When you’re in the hospital on morphine, a fun game to play is “were my eyes closed for 20 seconds or 2 hours”
I just typed “cupkale” instead of “cupcake” and accidentally invented what has to be the worst dessert idea ever.
Someone asked to share my table at a coffee shop and then asked me to leave the table because they have a meeting??? Am I in an episode of Seinfeld??