I got arrested for downloading the whole Wikipedia website.
I told the detective, “Wait! I can explain everything!”
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Have the people outside with an airhorn trying to scare coyotes tried throwing a tennis ball?
Don’t judge me because it said “family size” and I ate the whole thing.
It might have been meant for a really small family.
*breathing becomes rapid and pulse starts racing*
I…I’ve never felt…SO ALIVE!
*holds up 11th nugget from 10 piece box, for all to see*
Welcome to your fifties…
AT 10PM WE SLEEP
AT DAWN WE PEE
If Disney did a film about a pet rock, they’d still find a way to kill off one of the parents.
*opens fortune cookie*
there’s rice on your face
*grabs wifes and opens it*
still there
*grabs one from next table*
I can do this all night
i saw a single tiktok in which a woman mispronounced gnocchi “yonkees” and unfortunately for everyone in my life i am going to say it that way forever now.
When you see a picture of my kids and it’s captioned “The reason I wake up every day” it’s not me being sweet. It’s the truth, I literally cannot sleep-in with these little heathens in the house.
[in court]
me: if i’m guilty of anything, your honor, it’s trying too hard
judge: trying to break in that car, yes i know
Gave my Dad a ouija board so we can keep in touch after he gave my Mom a vacuum for her birthday
Girl, is your name “Schedule” ?
Because I’m always running behind ya.
I treat going to a therapist like going to a mechanic. “So, It’s been making some odd sounds and I’m sure it’s on the verge of a breakdown.”
Sometimes I think I’m pretty well-read and other times I see the word “doing” and pronounce it like it rhymes with “boing.”
Take that, diet!
And that!
And that!-Me eating Oreos
I’m ready for a new relationship.
My past is buried in the backyard, to fertilize the tomatoes.
“When I’m done shitting on your car I’m going to watch your wife undress through her window”-Birds
my one true gender
If you love someone, throw your earbuds at them. There’s a good chance they’ll be entangled in them and won’t be able to run.
I mean, really though, who hasn’t seen a UFO at this point?
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
Me: I’ll take $1,600, Alex.
Alex Trebek: In which category?
Me: No question. I just need $1,600.
If Oasis teamed up with Blur they’d be Mirage.
Me single at 22: calls dibs on a hot guy.
Me single at 37: calls dibs on the biggest slice of pizza.
Parkour or plastic? *bounces away with your groceries*
back in ancient times they had to come up with gods to explain environmental phenomena, such as lightning, which was said to be from lightning bolts thrown by zeus. now that we have modern science, we know that lightning comes from pikachus
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
Went to Costco for eggs. Walked out with a toaster oven, an 80 inch 4K TV, minus 1 child and no eggs.
No officer, my car was already upside down when I got here.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
I put up Diwali lights, and can’t wait to flex on other dads by telling them I’m all set for Christmas