If the doctor doesn’t know and just refers you to another doctor, they should refund you.
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I asked him about his weekend, but apparently what happens in vagueness, stays in vagueness.
Million Dollar Idea: Teach pugs to DJ, create a new genre of music…pugstep.
I didn’t lose my marbles, I gave them away.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
Pharmaceutical commercials saying “living longer IS possible.”
Not a good marketing strategy in 2020, but ok.
My 8 year old daughter and my teen son are being sweet to me again, all it took was breaking my arm.
Parents: violence is never the answer
Parents at birthday parties: BEAT THE SHIT OUT OF THAT PIÑATA
The mailman told my husband he banged every woman on the block, except for 1, I told him it had to be Carol next door, she’s really not friendly
Ace of Base and the Lords of Acid meet in a bar and neutralize each other
[couples therapy]
Mrs: he’s too handsy, always touching me all over…
Mr: [who is an octopus] I CANT HELP IT LINDA IM LIKE 90% HANDS…
Mathematics was simple until they added English to it
Since it would take human contact to get Ebola. Everyone on Twitter is safe.
Why yall taking long at Atm? yall
launching missiles or downloading
Space ships from NASA?
I hate to get all political but unity begins with universal cell phone chargers
Really, every section of the greeting card aisle could be called “Societal Obligation.”
Bewitched was my favorite show about a woman who had a magical power & couldn’t use it because she got married.
A client just told me I reminded them of their grandmother.
Welcome to 45. The world is my oyster.
RHCP: Red Hot Chili Peppers
my brain: Real Housewives of Chili Peppers
McDs: to recap, that is 6 McMuffins and 8 hash browns
Me: yep
McDs:. Great, give us a few minutes and we’ll bring it out to your family
Me: my what now?
professor x: what’s ur superpower
me: i take things literally
professor x: that’s not a superpower
me:
professor x: where’s my pen
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
Yelp is a fun game where you try to guess between whether a restaurant is bad or a reviewer is crazy.
I’d love to go to the mall with you honey, but the court order says I can’t come within 50 feet of any mannequins.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Doesn’t get paid: has popcorn and vodka martinis for dinner.
Gets paid: has popcorn and raspberry vodka martinis for dinner.
My kid: I want my ears pierced!
Me: Not yet
Her: You’re Not The Boss Of Me!
Me: I grew your ears inside my body
future historians will point to this and ask how we didn’t see the third world war coming
if i owned a bakery, i’d call it That’s How We Roll or Piece of Cake or Nothing’s Awry or We Enable Cookies or We’re Not Sour, Doh! or Torte Reformed or
Donating blood today to make room for more food