I yelled, “what are you doing!?” and my 3yo threw her fruit snacks like she was running away from the cops.
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Sometimes i spread newspaper out on the floor and then lay down on it and pretend i’m fish n’ chips
The great thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
The worst thing about Twitter is that it gives everyone a platform to be heard.
Sometimes I wonder why kids are so angry and then I remember how hard it is for them to get alcohol
Me: Why doesn’t he love me?
Nachos: Eat more of me and find out!
Me: *Chewing* So?
Nachos: We need outside counsel. Send pizza down here.
Based on a tumblr post by fartgallery!
{First Date}
Me: I once saved a dog from a fire.
Shania Twain: That don’t impress me much.
Me: Oh well one time I successfully inserted the straw into a Capri Sun without spilling.
Shania Twain: ok that’s actually really good.
Throw a baby badger so high that when it lands on your enemy it’s fully grown and very upset. You left town years ago. The perfect crime.
Me: I’ll definitely do it tomorrow.
Morgan Freeman: He wouldn’t.
Me: *chasing Morgan out of my house with broom* Why are you here again?
“You don’t have to try on every outfit on sale, you know”, my mum, clearly not knowing how a sale works.
Me: I dangle gummy worms out of my bathing suit bottoms and wear a sign that says, “Early bird gets the worm.”
Priest: Super weird, but not a sin.
me: I want you to be you but also all mine
pizza: [cheesing seductively]
The new $100 bills are insane. A purple stripe, the hologram thingy, the Ben Franklin that says “kill, kill, kill” as his eyes swirl…
I got a facial tonight by hovering over the boiling water before throwing in the mac n cheese.
If you were ever wondering what that last doughnut is doing while it listens to you eat its siblings…
If a tiger attacks your mother-in-law and your wife at the same time, whom would u save?
Man : Off course, the tiger.. very few are left
I tried a little beginner’s yoga earlier. The ambulance should be here any minute.
Quitting the gym because it’s easier, quicker and cheaper to simply invite my friends over for dinner every day and make them fatter than me
The worst thing about parallel parking is witnesses.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
Due to a recent incident I lost my job as the ‘CEO of Washing Dishes’ and got an internship as the ‘Head of Watching Brown Rice Boil’
If every day is a gift, I’m going to return some of them. Store credit is fine.
Me: Table for 1.
Host: Just 1?
Me: Yes. Can you enunciate “just” a little harder?
Maybe next year… ☔️
#GreatBritishSummer #Rain
dear diary
today i got to first base
it was a rebel base
i destroyed it
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
I once planned a trip around Australia using a dial-up computer that took longer than the trip itself
Well well well if it isn’t the guy whose lawn I woke up on
This lady on the train has that raspy, cigarette, alcohol, at death’s door kinda voice. I’ma see if she’ll record my voice mail message.
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
[restaurant]
me: you mind if I go to the bathroom?
date: yeah sure
me: thanks, I prefer to eat in private