Flash mobs are so not what I thought. Now I’ve gotta go find my clothes.
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How Vaccines Work 🧫🧬🦠💉 (everyone needs to watch this)
me: how bout a show like greys anatomy but at an animal hospital
producer: they’re all vets?
me shaking head no: they’re all animals
Bad news.
Jim Morrison is dead.
my roomba is carrying a beer around the house and eating chips off the floor just like me
Oh honey, when I said I wanted to grind your face I meant with a meat grinder
[ancient greece]
teacher: what have you all chosen for your thesis
hippocrates: I’m laying the ground work for centuries of modern medicine
socrates: I am examining what it means to be
ptolemy: uh you guys ever uh notice how those stars look like a bear
My kid handed me a tooth tonight and said “that’ll be $5” so I guess we’re done with the tooth fairy
Asking to see a psychics Wordle score before I pay them
Genie: i will give you 3 wishes
Me: okay i’ll take 3 dolphins
Genie: i said wishes, not fishes
Me: dolphins are mammals idiot
[slides $5 to paramedic]
Me: maybe it takes us too long to get to the hospital & maybe I don’t make it
A collection of me turning into random objects.
I hate when I read something so offensive on Twitter that my monocle falls out of my eye and into my brandy snifter.
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
“I feel like I got off on the wrong foot.” – Star of a foot fetish flick criticizing his performance
Being married to me:
Pros: you’re married
Cons: to me
Not my fault if the kids give up too soon
i am only capable of working on things in zero stress or extreme stress situations, in all other situations u can find me laying down and patiently waiting until extreme stress kicks in
I wish I was a bear, I’d be playing with my bear friends in the woods, not stuck in an elevator with these idiots. Am I talking out loud?
MOM: [walks into daughter’s room, sees protest signs, history books, list of senators’ phone numbers on bed] Are you… politically active?
My kids are so aware that I’m a bad driver that if I start the car before they have their seatbelts on, they cry.
When I said, “I would sell a kidney for it”, what made you think I meant mine? Hold still.
Best part about wearing glasses is taking them off when you’re making a point so people know shit’s about to get real.
Is my kitchen floor clean enough to eat off? No. Does that prevent me from eating off it? Also no.
Govt: How many dependents do you have?
Me: 7
Dependents: [dogs in baby clothes]
something that I miss about being a child is people asking me what my favourite shape is. adults don’t do this.it’s a rhombus. u don’t care
Friend: Let’s get a table outside
Me: How about we get an inside table but the waiter turns the heat way up, dumps tiny bugs in our food and shines a super bright flashlight in our eyes?
Hi, 911? I see someone from high school in this coffee shop and they’re the type to corner & chat me up and I don’t know what to do HI LAURA
Bill Nye is short for William New Year’s Eve
Lol.
We should double tap 2020 to make sure it’s really dead