therapist: what do you see
me: Snoopy
therapist: this one?
me: Charlie Brown trying to kick a football
therapist: I see. and now?
me: Lucy moved the ball
therapist: wtf this is the wrong book
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Kids always throw their shoes as far apart as possible when they take them off, like you’ll find one on their bedroom floor and one on top of the fridge, it’s madness
Genie: And your second and third wish?
Me: [just killing it on banjo now that my fingers are slightly less fat than they used to be] No need
“I think I stepped in some upchuck”
What’s up, Chuck?
“Not much, but my name’s not Chuck”
*vomits*
Santa Claus is the omicron superspreader
Merica.
A fight or flight situation.
Like when you go to pick up your kid and the teacher’s walking towards you with “the look” on her face.
I’ve got two tickets to paradise.
Oops. One’s just a parking ticket.
Here. You can have that one.
My wife says the kids look just like their father…
…and if I ever find out who he is, he’s got some explaining to do
fireman: dear god… your face
me: i wasn’t in the building
“Hey, will you join us in our street protest?”
No thanks
“Why not?”
I actually love streets
Why eat high-calorie yogurt when you can just have ice cream for breakfast instead?
The climate is probably out here trying to change for some man. Just be yourself, girl.
Humans in sci-fi: Stupid artificial beings LOL. They don’t have FEELINGS, so you can treat them like SHIT
Humans in real life: I put googly eyes on my toaster. His name is James now, and I will protect him with my LIFE
excuse me, waitress?
“I’m not a waitress”
Oh, what are you then
“Well, I’m a..*turns to other burger king employee* what the hell are we?”
Tequila doesn’t make me drunk and
disorderly, it just seems that way, cuz
Police Reports are all written by cops.
Boss: And you’re not showing the new people around until you stop referring to the washroom as “where the magic happens”
Shoutout to my upstairs neighbors who wrestled a large moose last night
Waiter: Is something wrong with your fish?
Me: I ordered it battered
Waiter: Terribly sorry *punches fish*
Me: Thanks
HER: tell me about yourself
ME: I have a cat
H: cute
M: he likes music
H: cool
M: we’re in a band
H: weird
M: called Mewtallica
H: ok bye
Casting director: alright, screen test for the part of ‘fax machine’ go ahead
Dolphin: *deep breath*
“Snitches get stitches”
Cute little rhyme..
However I believe,
“Snitches never wake up again”
is more likely to deter snitching…
Panicked when I saw “Godzilla” was trending, until I found out there’s a movie.
I forgot the term “kidney stones” so I called them pee pebbles.
I wonder if clouds ever look down on us and say “Hey look…that one is shaped like an idiot”.
Turns out the symptoms for “mild heart attack” are identical to those of “having a RL acquaintance make an appearance in your notifications”
Coworker: how was your thanksgiving?
Me: ……….. I assume you want me to hear about yours?
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
Nobody:
My kid: I want my nickname to now be Hot Dogs.
The rain is starting to worry me. I’m afraid that because I have a beard that my friends will expect me to build an ark.
If you don cowboy clothes, you’re ranch dressing
OB: “I need you to go away now.”