That moment when you hear a weird noise in the house and you’re so lazy you think “Meh, whatever. I had a good run.”
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I hate it when after installing a new app, it automatically puts it on the home screen. Like no. You have to earn that place. Now sit back down.
colleges be like oh you have one zoom lecture and two canvas assignments per week? yes that’ll be $40,000
[inventing colonization]
britain: i wish the whole world was this miserable
Nobody deserves to look that peaceful sleeping. SLAP.
Dog barking like an angry baby, baby crying like an angry dog.
The person who seems most upset about my Friends obsession is my daughter, Gunther.
PROSECUTOR: you chipped a golf ball down a clowns throat
ME: i honestly thought that was part of the course
person walking past me: (politely) good morning
me: (automatically) sorry I’m going through a tunnel
Mom, can you come pick me up? I’m at a party and someone is coughing.
me: what’s it even got to be scared of, it’s *wood*
her: I said it’s *petrified* wood
me: I know what the word means plz don’t talk down to me
Who are we? KIDS
What do we want? OATMEAL
When do we want it? NEVER, WE CHANGED OUR MINDS, WE DON’T LIKE OATMEAL ANYMORE
Forget being the bigger person, I’m going to just start barking at people
Brain: Great workout, here’s some endorphins
Me: Oh nice, I’ll feel good for-
Anxiety: It took you a full minute to figure out the treadmill buttons and I bet people noticed
Me: … that long
i’m pretty sure chicken soup was meant for a bowl, not your soul
After I drink coffee I show my empty mug to the IT guy and tell him I’ve successfully installed Java. He hates me.
Kids will interrupt your really important conversations to ask questions like, “which door do you think the zombies will come through? The front door or the back door?”
Friend: What’s wrong? Is everything OK?
Me: I don’t want to talk about it.
Also me: [To 20,000 strangers on the internet] you guys ARE NOT going to believe this SHIT
[remembering phone charger is in my pocket as I jump from empire state building]
omg this is gonna hurt
I have tendinitis so bad the doctor told me it was twentydinitis.
My doctor told me if I was 5″ taller I’d be at the ideal weight, so I’m going to try and give that a shot.
PETA wants us to stop using animal slogans
such as “bring home the bacon”They’d have us say “bring home the bagels”
That suggestion has holes in it.
I think my cats hate people as much as I do.
Every time the doorbell rings, they hide under the bed with me.
Sidebar:
If a whack job is an artist, does that make them a whackadoodle?
Yes.
I read an article that began “During the pandemic, with the implementation of distance learning…” and was surprised it didn’t end “came an uptick in nervous breakdowns of parents everywhere.”
I’m telling you, my cat mimics my every move. And that wouldn’t be a problem if she wasn’t constantly trying to steal my fake eye lashes
why did elementary schools just occasionally bring in a dude with a big snake. who was that man. what were his credentials
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Hey! Remember how fat your arms are?
-Summer
I hope this tweet finds you in contact with reality.