Having surgery on my intestine next week, so I have 5 days to learn how to use a semicolon
You Might Also Like
Me: Do you want to sign up for dance in the fall?
7: Yeah!!
Me: Which classes do you like best?
7: I don’t really like any of them. I just like dance because you get free costumes at the end.
Me:
7:
Me:
7:
Me: *blinks* I’m sorry, did you say free?
ME: Doctor, doctor. I think I’m a pair of curtains.
DOC: Pull yourself together!
*both laughing*
DOC: But seriously, I’m gonna refer you to a therapist cos that shit ain’t right.
Some of y’all expect more from a retail employee than of your elected officials
*getting kidnapped*
Me: wait, I need to pack 34 outfits
I was really upset today but then a friend said “don’t be upset” so now I’m not upset anymore
❒Single
❒Taken
✔ This claim is disputed!
sorry not a big fan what other vegetables do you have on the cob
It’s amazing how little sleep you can survive on, just by eating right, cutting out alcohol & sharing a bedroom with a vengeful poltergeist.
My kids are gone for the WHOLE day.
I miss them SO much, I can barely bring myself to pop this 3rd bottle of Champagne.
If painting yourself into a corner was considered art, I’d be Michelangelo
DAVID ATTENBOROUGH: Sadly, this male’s efforts to prepare a nest for mating are all in vain
[me crying on top of a half-put on fitted sheet]
My husband has been hiccuping for almost an hour now. I’d scare him, but we ate chili earlier.
I hate when sales people say stupid things like “Please stop undressing the mannequins, and your credit card has been declined again.”
[gets pulled over]
cop: “sir, do you know how fast you were going?”
[i’ve swapped places with the dog]
me: “answer the man”
My 3yo doesn’t understand Where’s Wally and just keeps hiding the book from his brother
The word October loosely translates to ’eight bers’
I was not prepared for my knees to sound like some one is breaking spaghetti noodles in half every time I go up the stairs.
You know before I had kids I was only vaguely aware that Saturday had a 7am.
Wife – You ate all of the Reeses eggs?
Me – You left them out in the open on the top shelf under the shirts in the back of the closet.
I enjoy reading, long walks on the beach, and getting myself into situations where the only way out is to fake my own death.
Recently I’ve been spending more and more time deep-frying a whole range of fruits and vegetables in batter, such as pineapples, bananas, potatoes, apples and so on.
It’s a lot of fun but I’m worried that I’m frittering my life away.
Ever wonder what happens when you piss into a Brita filter? Well, for starters, you get a TON of emails from Airbnb.
Why did they call it K-pop and not Seoul music?
Dear toilet paper companies
I think it’s safe to say you can stop airing tv commercials
Thinking about the time I invited a date over for a BBQ & asked him to pass me the hot dog knife so I could pry hot dogs out of the package. He stopped & said “Hot dog knife?” At which point, I realized other people did not have designated hot dog knives. There was no 2nd date.
Even before the lock down, yoga teachers were working from Om
Hashtag Mind Chakra Blown
Dog outside: Hey! Listen up all you losers! I’m the coolest dog on this block! No one is smarter or funnier than me! Get used to it!
My dog from the window: THAT’S! NOT! TRUE! Who said that?! Show yourself! I think you’re awful!!
me: the Kool-Aid man was basically a reverse vampire. he’d go into people’s houses uninvited and have them drink his blood
my therapist: again, it’s not technically wrong but I’m concerned you have diagrams
I was just reading a list of 50 things you should do before you die.
And it’s quite surprising that “Yell for help ” is not one of them!!!
The subtext of Moby Dick, The Rime of the Ancient Mariner, and most of Conrad is that you should never make eye contact with a retired sailor because he’s just waiting to tell you some interminable story about his time at sea.