*Geography Bee*
Judge: “Tell me about Yemen.”
Me: “Chandler said he was moving there when he couldn’t breakup with Janice on Friends.”
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Why are there never any good side effects? Just once I’d like to read a medication bottle and see “May cause extreme sexiness”.
Yeah….seems legit. *dusts off hands* another customer satisfied.
guys in LA in their 30s are like “i love going camping, i love sleeping outside.” and it’s like, ok, why do you bother having your parents pay your rent then?
[Jesus on a blind date]
Christians: “Hmm, you seemed whiter in your profile picture”
I asked my mom how her first date went with a guy she met on eharmony and she said “let’s just say we were physically compatible” and I said “let’s just say fine next time”
Air Bud but from the perspective of a kid on the losing team that has to explain to his overbearing father he lost to a dog.
*At The Opera*
Her: Where are you going?
Me: I have to go to the Men’s Room.
Her: I have the car keys.
Me: Shit!
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
. @kickitupanacho @funTweeters i’m not acting. i am proud of the honor. i love anybody who enjoys my tweets.
I’m doing crunches twice a day now…
Captain in the morning…
Nestle in the afternoon.
“If I let them stay up late on Friday night, we can sleep in Saturday morning!”
-a strategy that has never worked for any parent, ever.
Hi, Id like to buy a Nutri-Bullet, pls.
Salesperson: Ah, nice. Off on a cleanse or health kick?
Yes. *imagines drinking lasagna* For sure.
I’m eating quinoa for lunch so I better wake up skinny tomorrow because I’m not doing this again
Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
Really mean guy at the golf course called me a 4 and then hit me with his golf ball 🙁
I jack off in the shower using only L’Oréal conditioner. Why? Because I’m worth it.
My 5-year-old “is the milk from nice cows?” Idk dude just eat your cereal
Had a customer in tonight moaning that the tyre pressure machine was free but now we charge 50p.
I shrugged and said “that’s inflation” and he didn’t even laugh why do I even bother?
“Do me a solid” just sounds like you’re asking someone to poop for you and that’s kinda gross.
I can never hear what my kids are up to while I’m in the shower so I just yell “HEY cut it out!” every 60 seconds and hope that keeps them in line
I’m thrilled that you found Jesus. Where was he hiding?
All 3 kids need braces so I explained to them that they will have beautiful teeth but no further education.
Revenge sounds so mean-spirited and hurtful. I prefer to think of it as returning the favor.
let’s make a deal: if we’re both single when we’re 40 we’ll meet up together in a neutral area and hunt each other for sport
I introduced my 2yo to Cheerios and now I have to carry a little baggie around wherever we go in case he needs his next fix
Therapist: OK, lie on the couch for me.
Woman: I’m a penguin.
Therapist: No, I meant lie down.
Friend: Have you ever seen a hummingbird?
Me: [trying to imagine a bird with lips]
My mom used to beat me with a camera.
I still get flashbacks.
[a parallel universe where cows are the dominant species]
COW 1: Shall we drink stuff that comes out of humans?
COW 2: No
luke: yoda, i wish for…….. your freedom
yoda: i’m not a genie. i’m a person like you. i just look really weird