I get so crabby when strangers waste my time which is unfair to them because I waste almost all of my own time to begin with.
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do singers know a song will be big beforehand? like that snow white hi-ho song, no way those lil’ dudes knew, they were just mining and shit
Imagine being the kid that got cut from the team on Air Bud because they had to make a roster spot for a golden retriever.
An investigative unit, led by officer Arthur “Bugs” Bunnington, has arrested three members of the notorious “Garden Gnomes”, who’ve been terrorizing the neighborhood for weeks. Multiple items, including this 14ct necklace, have been recovered.
I feel for my kids, who had to take in the groceries and put them away today. They may never recover from this traumatic experience.
No high school reunion for me. I can see most of them on Cops.
Told my kid in my day, if I missed an episode of a show, might have wait years to see it again
He looked at me like I’d just showed him prison tattoos
roses are red
violets are blue
i hate the sounds
you make when you chew
This isn’t working out. You’re one of those “talk it out” types and I just want to slam cabinet doors and fantasize about a garden full of hard-to-detect poisonous plants.
“Oh, look! She’s drinking vodka, let’s kill her!” – Spiral staircases
When I see JUST MARRIED I like to think it means ‘only married’ like there are higher types of commitment but they just settled for marriage
I’m directing a psychological thriller called my twins are running against each other for student council.
Girls be crying over a dude who reads at a 3rd grade reading level. He’s not ignoring your text, he’s sounding it out. Give him a second.
My walk of shame is to the laundry room to rerun the same load of clothes I keep forgetting to dry for the third time.
Laundry:
Washing – 30 min
Drying – 1 hour
Putting away – 7 to 10 days
Ray Rice. Michael Vick. And now Adrian Peterson. Congratulations, NFL. Your woman/children/animal abuse trifecta is officially complete.
The answer, my friend, is actually blowing in the wind plus 23.
[Witness Protection Program]
So the more ordinary, mundane your new name is, the easier it’ll be to blend into your new-
BUBBLENUTS McFUNKY!
Every parent the first time their teen drives on the freeway.
If you want a medical degree, they’re literally hanging on doctor’s walls. Grab one.
Me: *eating a breakfast bowl with turkey sausage and egg whites* hmm only 270 calories
Also me: *sprinkles half a cup of shredded cheese on top* that’s better
I’m in a doctors waiting room. What’s a polite way to say “I hate your baby”?
YouTuber: Yo what’s up it’s your boy
Me: *astonished whisper* Son?
So, when people say “LOLZ”, does that mean they laughed themselves to sleep?
Friend 1: I love dry shampoo; it’s so simple!
F2: no water
F3: no chemicals
Me: Your hair is filthy.
When I die, my only wish is for my corpse to be respectfully catapulted onto a whitewater raft of people going down the Colorado river
There’s Angie, and then there’s Drunk Angie, and one of us tried to make it to Mexico on an exercise bike.
I think that McDonalds is putting an unhealthy amount of lettuce in the Big Macs these days.
got so drunk last night that I ate a salad
You are the toothpaste to my orange juice.
When I said I liked it rough.