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Guys, women can spot another woman at 10 paces and tell you if she’s wearing 5″ or 6″ heels. She knows exactly what, 6″+ looks like.
A sports bra implies the existence of an academic bra.
If I’m flirting, you’ll know it by how uncomfortable you become.
Neighbor: My daughter is in Pre-K.
Me: So she’s in J?
“…and this is my beautiful boy, Jason.”
Coworker: Jason, huh? Where’d u get a name like that?
Boss: Jafather, can I see u in my office?
That moment when u get shampoo in your eye
And start wondering what you will name your guide dog.
guy about to invent the cheese grater: you know what I hate? knuckles.
I’m disappointed that the book “Who Moved My Cheese” was not a mad-cap cheese caper.
Did not finish.
Sometimes, when I’m bored, I tell my mother-in-law to relax.
*sees other guys posting photos of their abs*
*posts photo of me washing dishes*
*gets hit on by every woman on the internet*
Watch my hands when I say “latitude” or “longitude.” It’s as much for my benefit as yours.
Cashier: How are you today?
Me: You too.
🤦🏻♂️
Not right now, protecting the 50 lb pit bull from the scary washing machine.
“To the window, to the wall” – me directing the carpet layers
Girl, are you a glass of water because I think you’re about to throw yourself at me.
When singers at concerts hold out the mic for the audience to sing, it’s like what am i, your maid
I get Grumpy when I run out of Dopey.
Did you guys know you get a full body massage while being embalmed? I can’t wait.
FIRED? But I just started! How could I have known we don’t do casual Fridays here? Fine. Direct your own goddamn funeral. *flip-flops away*
To the people complaining about my tweets. Sorry I’m not justifying your monthly subscription of $0
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
Cat: flake of pill in two pounds of fresh tuna? Refused.
Dog: pill the size of a grill wrapped in american cheese? No problem.
If I ever have to have heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Her: “Wanna get some coffee?”
Me: “I actually don’t like coffee”
Her: *Gasp*
The whole town: *Gasp*
All of New York: *Gasp*
The media: “This just in *Gasp*”
The world: *Gasp*
Aliens: *Fleeb* (Gasp)
Pretty sure that “Willy Wonka & the Chocolate Factory” is the kid’s version of “Saw”.
Everyone fondly remembers the ’80s until you take away their cell phones.
Where it all went wrong
Me: Oh I love your hair, you look like a different person.
Her: Is that what you want?
An octopus can get so stressed
out – it will actually eat itself.Octopuses call that “leg day.”
They say being a hostage is difficult – but I could do that with my hands tied behind my back.
Co-worker – Diet coke causes cancer.
Me – My grandfather died at 102.
CW- He used to drink diet coke?
Me – No, he minded his own business.