My kind of messy bun is cinnamon.
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dogs are toddlers
cats are teenagers
just overheard a guy walk into the bathroom and say “showtime” to himself as he sat down on the toilet
If you see me in Atlanta this weekend, at a Taylor Swift concert, that’s not me.
Three more pension cheques and I’ll have my student loan paid off.
I hate it when people don’t behave the way I thought they would when I rehearsed the conversation in my head.
[digging through lost and found]
Target employee: What are you trying to find?
Me: My son
Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
(At the dentist)
‘Your grinding isn’t good.’
Excuse me! I’ve never had a man complain before.
me: would you still love me if i was crazy?
him: if????
Doctor: you have to stop eating pizza
Me: but why?
Doctor: bc I need to examine you
How many rum & cokes are too many after a couple Vicodin?
Asking for this EMT. He seems pretty interested.
my idiot coworker was drinking a Smart Water and said “this doesn’t seem different than any other water, what a scam” so I can’t decide if he’s right or if the product actually works
Doctor: You’ve got cancer.
Me: *slides a twenty across the examining table*
Doctor: What’s this for?
Me: Say something else.
Doctor: You’ve got shingles, too.
[after finding and hanging out with bigfoot] does anyone have one of those pet hair rollers
I’m single by choice. Just not my choice.
Justin Timberlake: I’m bringing sexy back
Sexy: *nervously* uh no thanks I’ll get an Uber
Don’t ever ask a burrito if you should eat it, it will always say no, because burritos are really smart.
Joined a street protest.
Suddenly a shot, panic and everybody started running.
3 hours and a gold medal later I realised it was a marathon
20s: I want to see the world!
40s: If I do all of my food shopping on Sunday I won’t have to go outside for a week.
Watched Full House for not even a full minute & now I’m white with a credit score of 720
My anaconda don’t want none unless you got a suitable living environment for him, a terrarium with a heat lamp, some small rodents, etc.
*first day as a coach*
Me: ok gang so we should go with a zonal defence here, remember to watch the runners and stick to the plan, goooo team!
Player: *whispering* guys I don’t think coach has played golf before
One time back before automatic signatures I wrote a rather stern email to a group at work about a poorly-run project. I hastily closed with “Regards, (my name)” or at least thought I did; that day I learned qwerty keyboards are my enemies thanks to the proximity of the G to the T
Local News: GREG JOHNSON, 41, ESCAPES BEING EATEN BY BEAR
Bear News: FOOD NAMED GARG RUNS FROM LUNCHTIME
[paramedic working extremely hard to bring me back] we can’t let this guy’s last words be despacito
It’s an indescribable feeling when I’m trying to put my toddler in his car seat in a crowded parking lot and him screaming “HELP”.
{4 turtles are stuck on their backs.}
Cop: What’s going on here?
Me: Snow angel contest for free pizza.
Cop: …Who’s winning?
Me: Shredder.
ask your insurance company if you’re healthy enough to see a doctor
The most British vandalism I’ve ever seen…