At Jurassic Park when they say to keep your hands and feet inside the car at all times, they mean it.
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Honestly, silica gel must be absolutely delicious considering how much effort they put into convincing us not to eat it.
If you watch Beauty & the Beast backwards a grown man devolves into a monster then into a petulant little boy. It’s basically Twitter.
I told her, no I don’t want to go to the cleaners, you go do it!
–she did but she took my phone with her.
The three genders
customer: I want to buy a chameleon but I don’t see any
me: that’s how good they are
customer: the cage door is open
me: *looking around nervously* oh no
Say sliders to drugs
Say no to yes
Titanic
Titanic 2: Ship Happens
Titanic 3: Let It Sink In
Titanic 4: The Quest For Peace
*leaves one gummy bear in the packet*
i’m letting you live so you can go back to your king and tell him to send the rest of his troops
5: I want to do something no one else has ever done.
Me: Help me clean?
5: No. Something fun.
Every day can be sparkly if you stick a fork into a socket.
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
@donutscoffeeme @daddygofish I was stepping over my cat today (heaven forbid that he had to move) when he flicked his tail and I stepped on it. Cat called me names I had never heard, and the evil eye was total death.
Our 50 favourite Christmas tweets of 2021.
Always use a fish knife when eating fish, a tomato knife when eating tomato, and a Swiss Army knife when eating a member of the Swiss army.
The first thing you must do when arriving at any beach is write I AM OKAY in rocks just to let any planes passing overhead know that you don’t need rescuing.
Stops eating carbs and loses 25 pounds in 3 months.
Starts eating carbs and gains 25 pounds in 3 days.
Airports: Because who doesn’t want to spend $60 on two egg sandwiches and Lay’s Potato Chips.
me: remember how i was talking about getting a xylophone
[doctor holds up my x-ray] where the hell are your ribs?
me: im trying to tell you
Mongoose is French for “my goose.”
You have to be careful about sending your spouse things on social media. You send too many things, next thing you know chores are being redistributed because of “all the free time you clearly have”
Me: can I have some more hair?
The universe: sure — assume eyebrows and ears are okay?
Cigarettes have warning labels because they are dangerous and addictive yet vaginas are allowed to just roam around freely.
I had a colonoscopy on Friday. Just let me say there are some things you should never use a Groupon for.
Since you’re not a dentist and you’re entering my mouth with a pair of pliers, repeat after me: “I swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth, and nothing but the tooth.”.
My cuz stole some money, landed in jail, wanted to fight everyone and threatened to shoot people, so that was the end of our Monopoly game.
I just yanked a bag of Doritos away from my daughters and yelled “we’re about to eat dinner!” Then I finished the bag off by myself in the pantry.
When your joke is so hilarious that HR wants to hear it
A couple drops of super glue on your fingers and you wont pay attention to any other thing on the planet for three hours.
[at symphony concert]
*marimba part begins*
Me: *takes out iPhone* Hello?
[takes a massive shit on a bird in the park]
See? Not nice, is it?