my coworker told me she caught a cold from me that i faked
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Wolves in sheep’s clothing. Wolves in human clothing. Wolves in short skirts and heels. Hot single wolves in your area.
employer: what skills do you possess that would make you suitible for this position?
me: I possess the skill that will make all your other employees look perfect by comparison
driving is absolutely insane. I’m gonna hop in this metal box and roll around so fast that hitting literally anything might kill me
In honor of the striking writers and actors, I won’t post anything good here starting in 2016.
*friend gets divorced Mon*
*friend goes on date Tues**I break up with boyfriend*
*15 years later I casually smile back at a stranger*
Say one positive thing about your opponent
Well…he does convert oxygen into carbon dioxide which helps trees grow.
Sequel to Cats (2019) called 2 Cats 2 Curious
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
My husband just told me not to look in the vegetable drawer because it would ruin my birthday surprise, but if my birthday surprise involves vegetables, he may be in danger.
“Where do you see yourself in 5 lives?” (Dalai Lama job interview)
Me: But where do you see this relationship in five years?
Her: Sir! For the last time, do you want extra cheese or not?
So are these single women just throwing themselves against walls as they masturbate?
It is I, three potatoes in a trench coat, here to avenge the death of my father, big daddy spud bottom
Aries: Measure twice, cut once, and don’t leave any fingerprints.
I’m hitting up real estate open houses for toilet paper because I’m a genius don’t want to brag but I’m very smart
In my experience, people who say “I’m not trying to be difficult,” don’t really seem to be trying all that hard.
what if pizza rolls grew into full size pizzas when u put them in water like those dinosaur bath toys
*takes your order*
*goes to kitchen*
*comes back*
“did you say grilled cheese or gorilla cheese?”
grilled
*sighs*
*goes to kitchen*
Math homework? If this is my son’s backpack, that means my parachute must be —
Person: you only live once
Me: that is the best news I’ve heard all day
Look lady, you’ve already taken my money so put that Oompa Loompa costume on and let’s do this.
Mum, that’s not a picture of Jesus
10pm: If I fall asleep now, I can get a full eight hours of sleep.
12am: If I fall asleep now, I can get a solid six hours of sleep.
2am: If I fall asleep now, I can still get four hours of sleep.
4am: If I fall asleep now, I can hopeful get two hours of sleep.
6am: If I FML
Me: You’ve got the same stupid duck face in every picture! Daffy: Erm… 😐
SCHRÖDINGER: So son, theoretically your cat is neither dead or al–
WIFE: Tell him.
SCHRÖDINGER: Your cat’s dead.
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
The worst thing about owls is the way they can maintain eye contact when you put them in a microwave.
35% of all hospital deaths are caused by the attending physician failing to yell “Don’t you die on me!” at the right moment.
I’m not a dietitian, but if you eat pizza right at midnight your body doesn’t know if the calories go towards yesterday or today so they don’t count
Her: *hands me her baby*
Me: *drops it*
Her:
Me: So, is there like a five second rule or…?