50 shades of grey = my Liver
You Might Also Like
Me: I have a Black Belt
Her: Karate?
Me: Faux leather. 40”
My house is cleaner than it’s ever been and given that no one is allowed to come over to see it you’ll just have to take my word for it
Before airplanes were invented, it took approximately a week to feed babies because the parents had to walk the spoon into their mouths.
Wasn’t trying to push all your buttons, but in my defense I was looking for mute.
No one:
My kid at 6am: if we plant a sausage maybe we can grow a sausage tree
I really do love this time of year — the Christmas music, the twinkle lights, the woman in front of me in line at Costco who just told her husband, “We can give your cousin a pile of dog shit for all I care.”
Me, making a pediatrician appt for my 5yo son.
Receptionist: “What’s his birth year?”
Me: “17”
Them: “2017 or….?”
Me: “Oh yes. 2017.”
In my head: No, 1817. We’ll make the arduous journey to your office in our covered wagon.
Wanna make a boyfriend? Choose someone who’s still playing Wordle. He’ll never leave you.
i need a six-month vacation twice a year
My phone: 58%.
My husband’s phone: 7%.
Me: Honey, I need your charger.
Eat…
[costume party]
friend: you’re lateme, dressed as a sloth: sorry
Schrödinger’s wife: Have you seen the cat?
Schrödinger: I have good news and bad news
The initials of the Sri Lankan players read like DOS commands. MKDIR, CHKDSK.
Me: I love the 90s!
Grandparents: we have names
I wonder how many different vegetables they exploded before they discovered popcorn.
[English class]
Her: I’m never sure how to properly use a colon
Me [trying to impress her]: *poops*
Him: Babe, I put the leftovers in a container.
Her: Is that what you’re calling your stomach now?
oh, you’re a Methodist?
name all the methods
In case you needed to hear it:
Me: Not to brag but I know all of them by name.
Them: Well, they are your children; both of them.
I saw this ending much differently.
When a ninja is born, the doctor is like, “Um, where’s your baby?”
[1st date]
Me: I’ve got crabs
[date leaves]
[back home looking at my fish tank]
“It’s all right guys, one day I’ll find one who’ll like you”
Everyone preaches body acceptance, until you show up naked at the company picnic.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
In a parallel universe, one sock goes in the washer/dryer and two come out.
My daughter just said “my friends all think you’re cool but I know you’re not.” Like WTF man I was just sitting there minding my business
*skydiving*
Jumper: Where’s your parachute?
Married Guy: Don’t need one
J: There’s no chance of survival
MG: Not trying to beat the odds