ㅤ A R G H
Pirate [▪️] [▪️] [▫️] [▫️]
Pain [▪️] [▪️] [▪️] [▪️]
Surprise [▪️] [▫️] [▫️] [▪️]
Silver [▪️] [▫️] [▪️] [▫️]
You Might Also Like
Eventually, everyone will be quarantined to their houses with no sports to watch… and in 9 months from now a boom of babies will be born… and we will call them the coronials. #Coronials #Youhearditherefirst
The 2020 presidential election will be won by whichever candidate has the strongest policy on adding Waluigi to Smash
I was worried my 5-year-old would miss out on the typical, in-person social interactions by being in virtual school this year. But then, his 3-year-old brother took his crayons today, thus serving as the classroom bully.
Me: *sipping* well ain’t you a tall glass of vodka
Her: *blushing* aww thank you but the expression is “tall glass of water”
Me: oh hey, didn’t see you there
mom asked me how I felt about her dating a younger guy, and I told her “just make sure u raise him right” and now she’s taking me out of her will
My phone autocorrected “gym” to “fun” so I threw it in the trash bc it’s obviously broken.
When your best mate counts as a desk too
I’ve been nominated Vice President of the PTA.
It’s only a matter of time before my political sex scandal.
*grabs mic at a funeral* ok now say nice things about me
I wrapped my coat around a young girl. She was standing in the freezing cold with no coat, her shoes barely covered her feet.
She didn’t even appreciate it, she just kept screaming at me to get out of her wedding video
Sorry I booped your nose when you said that you loved me.
How selfish am I? Circus peanuts and black licorice are my favorite candies just so I never have to share.
Gravity is just the earth being really clingy
INTERVIEWER: We’re looking for someone who is good with people
ME: *grabbing my stuff* Good luck with your search
Worst Betrayals in History:
– Judas turning on Jesus
– Brutus helping to murder Caesar
– Verizon guy going to work for Sprint
You know people ask “how are you still single” to singles? It’d be funny if we started saying “how are you still married” to married people
[first day as a psychiatrist]
PATIENT: I’m still hearing voices
ME: *rolls eyes* that’s because we’re talking
My Twitter crush is 4,762-timing me!
I don’t need a sugar daddy. I need a chicken wing daddy.
ruin Thanksgiving for everyone with a detailed description of how you prepared the turkey
Me: *at the children’s museum* they seem so life like
Wife: those are our children
I love that Twitter is so international. I can hit “send” & be misunderstood by people all over the world almost instantly.
What’s the proper salutation to use when writing a resignation letter to your children?
9: Don’t break anyone’s heart. But they do have 209 bones.
Me: You make me so proud.
Did my noble deed today and got a few boxes of Girl Scout cookies. It wasn’t for me, it was for the organization of course.
Why should you stick to drinking apple juice?
Because OJ will kill you.
Mechanic: Your car’s got a flat
Me: It’s called a garage
[carnival]
ME: How do I win?
CARNIE: Just knock all the bottles off the table
ME: Ok *pulling out my cat*
CARNIE: Oh shi-
Helena Bonham Carter eats eight spiders a day. Not in her sleep, just whenever.
[at job interview at NASA]
NASA: sir, you’re underqualified for this position.
Me: have you seen our president?
NASA: give him a spaceship