Me: no, Larry, you need to make more friends. Now let’s see how this new sweater vest looks
Larry (a garden gnome):
Me: oh my god you’re so handsome
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Nobody in this meeting knows I have a McChicken in my pocket.
16 yr old nephew bought me a Miley Cyrus CD. He said “Listen to it, it’ll change your mind. It did change my mind. I used to like my nephew.
I hate it when I sit down on a warm public toilet seat and I have to set myself on fire.
Is the Paleo diet the one where you only eat dinosaurs?
My 5yo doesn’t always play his harmonica, but when he does, it’s at 6:33 in the morning.
Just told a customer who’s off to the theatre tonight that I’m off to Wicked tomorrow!! She said “it’s not here in Manchester, I’d know if it was”
Thought “alright musical theatre queen”
Turns out my tickets are for the 2nd of January 2025 🙂 x
My daughter woke up at 5, because of crows outside. She stuck her head outside the window and said ‘Mum, the bird witches are calling me’ and to sum up I have my next book and also I need to call a priest
Twitter is like handing the dumbest person you know a bullhorn
Had a joint with my mate and she said “mad how the brain named itself” and I’ve fully had to come home and go to bed
Bouncer: Your friends can go in but not you, you go home
Me: Perfect, say it just like that when I turn up later
Sketch Artist: describe the man who attacked you
Me: he had dark hair-
Sketch Artist: one sec the Peanuts Character Creator is still loading
me: i will totally dominate the zombie apocalypse
wife: you whine when you can’t find your hand lotion shut up and eat your cereal
Changing my name to ‘free unlimited high-speed wifi’ so everyone will love me.
I almost ran somebody over yesterday, I guess I’ll have to try harder next time
#wordsofwisdom
If it says, ‘Do not try this at home’ – go and visit a friend.
[Man in restaurant]
I’ll have that lobster please.
*points to aquarium containing lobster putting finishing touches to his octopus disguise*
Waking up with morning wood is one thing, but waking with Elijah Wood is just creepy.
I calmed down once I stared into his beautiful eyes.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
This week’s mood.
With plastic being banned, Starbucks is running out of things to put drinks in. A year from now they’re gonna scream my name and I’ll have to drink my caramel iced latte straight from the barista’s cupped hands while another employee strokes my head like a scared horse
if you cant handle me at my “bit by a radioactive lobster” u dont deserve me at my “using lobster powers to help u gain custody of your son”
I never understood why chefs wear white.
I go in the kitchen to get a glass of water and come back with five stains on my shirt.
My wife’s late for work because I unplugged her alarm so I could charge my phone. She’s mad, but at least I can tell you guys about it.
blade runner wouldn’t drive anything bc then he’d be blade driver y’all are so stupid.
Anne Has A Problem
Anne Has A Solution
Anne Has A Will
Anne Hathaway
this will hang in the louvre one day
I think it’s weird how President Obama appointed George Clooney Secretary Of Handsome. #DNC
My Fitbit just congratulated me that I just hit my 10k step goal.
I’m laying on the couch.
if you want more reason to fell in love with Hozier, remember he said this:
“Whatcha doin’, Phil?”
“Some guy on the internet says he’ll pay fifty bucks a pop for beaver shots.”