Hotel staff that insist on turning the toilet paper into a bow.. stop fingering my toilet paper with your dirty hands, Britney.
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Tyrannosaurus rex: *Sighs… *Changes channel
Me: What are you doing?
4yo: I’m scalloping like a horse.
All I’m asking is, has anybody heard from Captain Planet since David Attenborough arrived on the scene?
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
In Twilight, if Jacob just got some therapy maybe he could be a Self-Awarewolf
SURVIVAL TIP: IF LOST IN THE WOODS, BUILD A SHELTER. THE TAX COLLECTOR WILL BE THERE SHORTLY.
Having kids has made me a better person, because I now have a constant example of how jerks behave.
Happy 5 year anniversary to the photo frames sitting on the floor of my bedroom waiting to be hung up “when I get a minute”.
Kids are fun. For example my daughter overflowed the toilet once and now she has a toilet flushing phobia.
Son: How will I know when I’ve met the perfect woman?
Me: She will usually tell you.
Nature abhors a vacuum. And dogs. Dogs also abhor a vacuum.
CIA: So what did you call that new tracking software we put on everyone’s iPhone?
NSA: “U2’s New Album”
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
[at a wine tasting]
Me: *sips and swishes*
Employee: Sir, you can’t drink inside the grocery store
I microwave ramen noodles right before I go to bed so that they’re finally cool enough to eat when I wake up in the morning.
WIFE: Please stop.
ME: Stop what?
WIFE: Singing in the shower.
ME: What’s the big deal?
WIFE: You’re scaring everyone at Home Depot.
I’ve had 3 Red Bulls today and now I can taste my heartbeat.
[Dating in 2009]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: I’m calling the police.[Dating in 2019]
ME: Who’s your favorite serial killer?
HER: Oh my gosh, how do you pick just one, right? Hahaha!
Water balloon fight, but the balloons are filled with mayo.
My pet bird bit me so I showed him a picture of a rotisserie chicken
You: What happened to your hand?
Me: I lost my engagement ring so I cut off my finger so my husband wouldn’t notice.
This message stamped on the squeaker inside the stuffed animal my dog just destroyed
Young God: ok, a little hydrogen and-
*chemistry set explodes*Mom: what was that?!
God: nothing! *scoops resulting universe into shoebox*
Monster under the bed: Look, I was going to scare you but this is sad. You’ve been in bed for 15 hours.
Me: I’ll go to the restroom after the next episode is over.
Monster: You said that last episode, I just want to go see my kids.
“Sarcasm will take you nowhere in the world”, my friend kept saying.
“It got me to the international Sarcasm finals in Monaco in 2017”
“Really “?
“No”
War vets with prosthetic limbs are running marathons and I’m busy trying to lasso the tv remote with my phone charger cord.
I talk like a sailor in front of my kid. He’s gonna swear anyway and I want him to be good at it.
Good Cop: Book ’em.
Illiterate Cop: I’ll just wait for the movie.
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
One day, thousands of years from now, archaeologists will dig up my dead body and be like, “She’s been lying on top of the remote this entire time.”