[driving to the next town over]
me: maybe you wanna stop and ask for directions?
husband, driving us through the boonies: nonsenseme: now maybe?
husband, passing a ‘welcome to canada’ sign: nome: just ask already
husband, somehow in the middle of the ocean: I WILL NOT
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I dropped my phone will taking a bubble bath.
Now it’s syncing.
#BubbleBathDay #RubbishJokes #DadJokes
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
Happy birthday to all the women
We’re eating in 5 hours so I should probably start defrosting this turkey.
Cauliflower is broccoli dressed up as a ghost for Halloween.
Me(being handcuffed): Oh, now it’s illegal to throw a house warming party?
Cop: For the last time, it’s called arson.
I still have a Rolodex on my desk but it’s all salami
ur the human equivalent of having a hair in ur mouth
Toddler: *babbling nonsense*
Me: Ok, got it!
Narrator: But she did not “got it” And this would make the toddler very angry.
Haha, jokes on you wordle, I was struggling to find words long before it was cool
We get it – “Bacardi” rhymes with “party,” “bottle” rhymes with “model,” and “sex” rhymes with “text.” You rappers can stop rapping now.
My kid wants to be Batman so bad he bought us opera tickets in a bad neighborhood.
*punch*
Oh golly I’m sorry
-No, no, you’re quite alright. Go ahead
No, it’s your turn
*punch*
Thank you
-I’m terribly sorryCanadian boxing
why does half of Twitter think they’re going to lead a communist uprising when they’re too scared to order pizza on the phone
Wife [returns home] have you eaten
Me: have you eatenWife: are you copying me?!
Me: are you copying meWife: I Love You
Me: I already ate
I gave up my ambition to be a wizard after I accidentally turned a frog into a corporate advertising executive.
Life was so barbaric in the olden days. Imagine hitting snooze on a rooster.
Things that interrupt sex:
20s: drunk roommate walks in on you
30s: kids walk in on you
40s: spouse walks in on you
50s: foot cramp
Some of my best friends started out as bad choices.
The rumor that I’m secretly creating a zombie apocalypse to generate demand for flamethrowers is completely false
*blows perfect Jesus fish with cigarette smoke*
Last year for Christmas I got a sweater, this year I am hoping for a screamer or a moaner.
I planted grizzly DNA under my fingernails so when I choke on doritos the medical examiners assume I was strangled by a bear but fought back
Overall, the kids and parents took Wonka’s maniacal screaming, small orange mutated workers, and horrific accidental deaths in stride, maintaining remarkable composure. This tells us they were no strangers to candy factory tours.
the compUtah Maineframe has crashed and Idaho how to fix it. Alaska round to find out Hawaii it happened. Are Delaware of the situation?
I wish my ears would visibly lay back like a cats when I’m pissed off so people would know when to leave me the hell alone.
Pretty sure HR is going to be paying me a visit, thanks to the CW that emailed to thank me for “all the services I provided them”.
*changes voicemail recording to “your call cannot be completed as dialed. Please check the number and dial again
ME: I’m heading to the shop
ROOMMATE: What are you going to get?
ME: [wearing a wedding dress] Compliments
Ok, but have you ever been stuck in a sports bra, and the only person around to help you was your teenage son, so you just lived as a sweaty pretzel for an entire day?