when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
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Just tried to parallel park. 5 people are injured, 3 critical, 6 missing. The casualties continue to mount
When I was a kid I never understood why my aunt had a cartoon sunflower on her sliding glass door until the day she took it off and I broke my nose
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
Husband: It’s so weird that the kids didn’t get any Twix or Reece’s Peanut Butter Cups for Halloween.
Me: *wipes the chocolate from my mouth* So weird.
Me: babe, I don’t mean to be THAT person but you breathe way too loud & I can’t fall asleep.
*Vader grabs a blanket & moves to the couch*
Hipsters probly don’t eat carrots since they lose interest in things when there not underground anymore.
Top Seven Bacon for Breaking:
7. Bacon point
6. Bacon even
5. Bacon Benjamin
4. Bacon my heart
3. Bacon Bad
2. Bacon the law
1. Bacon wind
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
mom: you’re grounded for today
me: i can’t wait until i’m an adult and no one can do that to me
[10 years later]
amazon: your package will arrive between 8am and 6pm
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
All women want is to have a relationship with an intelligent man. The only problem is that intelligent men don’t get into relationships.
Just between you and me – when I said I worked well both as an individual and as part of a team on that job application, the latter part was complete horseshit.
Wife: We need to talk
Me, absolutely panicking: What
Wife: We need to start buying the big jars of peanut butter
gas stations touting free air are using your tires to store excess low quality black market air don’t fall for it
Bite me again
– my bottom lip
Welcome to your 40’s. Your body now involuntarily makes haunted house sound effects.
(asking for a raise at work) please, my landlord needs this
Coach: Sorry, you didn’t make the team this year, pal.
Me: Oh, who got the last spot?
Coach: Umm
Me: Why is that golden retriever over there shooting free throws?
I dream of a day when my toddler can poop and the entire neighborhood doesn’t have to hear her say she’s done.
[Arranging a date]
Her: OK how does 4 o’clock sound?
Him: [Through megaphone] DONG DONG DONG DONG
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
WIFE *stuck on crossword puzzle*: I need a four-letter word for “Identical”.
ME *also stuck on crossword puzzle*: same.
Used to work in an office where the boss gave a hard brain teaser to the staff in the morning & if anyone could figure it out by the afternoon he’d pay for their lunch. I won most days. Because as the IT guy I had access to his company cloud account where he stored the answers.
Instead of throwing away broken phone charger cords, 5 years ago I started saving them for an experiment. I’m 3 cords away from a complete world wrap around.
Area Man Marries Woman He Barely Knows After 5 Years Of Dating
Sorry I’m late to work! I died of cholera back in 1805
That split second of panic when you realize you said yes to your toddler but you were distracted and you don’t actually know what you said yes to
My husband and I keep the spark alive in our marriage.
I send flirty pictures of stuff I want to buy and he sends flirty little messages like, “I thought we agreed to save money.”
[leaning over and kissing my spouse’s forehead]
“Rest in peace.”
My spouse opens their eyes: I really don’t like it when you kiss me goodnight that way.
i will avenge u mr van gogh