if a cop pulls u over play dead
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the battle rages on
[date]
HER: I’m studying to be a scientist but really love comedy
ME: [trying to impress her] Botany good textbooks lately?
I’m in a really dark place. The hamsters powering my reading lamp unionized and went on strike.
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
The first rule of Hide a Vegetable in a Sentence Club is always be true to yourself.
I survived catholic school taught by actual nuns and now nothing scares me. Except ghosts…of nuns
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.
It was an art back in the day to be able to fit your tweet into 140 characters
Now people tweet chapters and their tweets are still a load of bollocks. See? This one is already far too long. I apologise for wasting your time and omg why are you still reading this rubbish?
I tried to forgive and forget but I forgot who I forgave.
Millennials complain a lot about how we can’t afford homes or retirement savings like our parents, but we have a lot of things they didn’t…like GPS, food allergies, adult acne, side hustles, and fluency in mental health terminology.
*stares into distance*
Distance: Please stop staring. It’s rude.
Him: What are you doing?
Me: *trapped in a fitted sheet* I was swallowed whole by a sheet.
Him: Do you need help?
Me: I’m just going to accept my fate and lay here.
Him: You’re napping, aren’t you?
Me: Soooo doomed.
If a gorilla stole my girlfriend and started throwing barrels at a construction site, the last guy I’m gonna call for help is a plumber.
My next superhero script is about a guy in LA who, after a freak gamma ray accident, has the power to drive a car in the rain.
DATE: I’m really into *bites lip & lowers voice* S&M
ME: Well, I *trails finger sexily across the table* like all of the letters
Taught my grandmother that “Jabroni” means “fine young man” and it’s made our time out in public way more interesting.
When news reporters do sports stories
All I’m saying is no one ever country westerns you like a hurricane.
Him: I wonder if this dealership is open.
Me: Are you stupid? The parking lot is full.
The cops said 911 was for emegencies only and not for me to report suspicious looking clouds.
Sketch artist: Two criminals? You just described a vase to me
Me: Look at the negative space either side of it
Sketch artist: Holy shit…
I think my neighbor just noticed that I was wearing a pair of shoes he put into his trash last week.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
Self-knowledge is a purple vegetable. Beetroot yourself.
Technically… It’s only illegal when you get arrested.
Sure boss, I’d love to take on some extra work, I have like 7-8 free hours a night where all I do is sleep anyway.
AH WONDERFUL I SEE THE JOB APPLICATION HAS CHOSEN TO IGNORE MY BEAUTIFULLY CRAFTED RESUME IN LIEU OF MAKING ME ENTER MY INFORMATION LINE BY LINE ONTO SOME SORT OF WEBSITE FROM THE 1800S
My what?
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
My kid was struggling to solve a complex math problem and tried unsuccessfully to ask Alexa for help. Being the responsible parent I am, I explained the best way to crowdsource a solution is to post the wrong answer on Reddit and 500 peeps will correct you in minutes.