If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
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Laying a trap for my boyfriend by asking him if he thinks I look too skinny
Just ran into my therapist and she didn’t recognize me and I’m not sure who I’m supposed to talk to about this
*splashes water on my face*
*looks up, squinting into the mirror in front of me*
My socks are now soaked. They don’t mention that in the
Neutrogena commercials.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
Yes sex is good but have you ever made someone super mad online and then go to sleep?
i’m such an introvert i don’t even talk to myself
Mom pro tip: If you’re old enough to critique what I put in your lunch, you’re old enough to make it yourself.
*Opens twitter*
*Sees Polio is trending*
*Closes twitter*
Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.
Watermelons are just overweight diabetic cucumbers
🎶 Whoa we’re half way there,
Whoa-oh…
my 23 y/o boyfriend: have you heard this band? *turns on the beatles*
*Batman pulls up to drive-thru*
“Large fries.”
“We’re serving breakfast sir.”
*destroys speaker with batarang*
“And I’m serving justice.”
Oscillating fan: [looks at me in anticipation]
[turns away with disappointment]
mugger: GIMME UR MONEY
“All I have is this $5 grandma gave me on my birthday”
[mugger pulls off mask revealing grandma]
IT’S PAYBACK TIME
The suburbs are powerful. No matter how strong you think you are, by day two you’re eating dinner at 4 and asking what the weather’s looking like tomorrow
Fun game:
Take pictures with your camera sound turned up when someone comes into the bathroom stall next to yours
“THIS IS NOT A DRILL. I REPEAT, THIS IS NOT A DRILL”
– when Dad gave me a DIY lesson
“Do you moan when you eat?”
Me, making small talk in an elevator
who wore it better?
Just saw a set of sheets online for $1300.
Lemme tell you something…for that kind of money, those sheets better wash themselves, put themselves back on the bed, make my husband stop snoring, remove my eye wrinkles, and give me back the deep, uninterrupted sleep of my youth.
Me: Whoa…What are you doing?
Wife: I’m donating some of your books…They’re just taking up space.
Me: You don’t get rid of books…besides half of those aren’t even colored yet.
Her:
I accidentally left an open bag of birdseed on the porch, and word spread that this is the full-size Halloween candy bar house of the squirrel community.
[Super soldier program]
SCIENTIST: We’ve given you an enhanced cybernetic arm.
ME: So I can take pies out of the oven without mitts.
SCIENTIST: More—more for killing people.
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME:
SCIENTIST:
ME: But I can also—
SCIENTIST: Yes you can also use it for the pie thing.
When you have kids, you’ll see them fighting with each other a lot but you’ll also occasionally see them show genuine signs of love and friendship. Those moments are so beautiful and they happen just before the kids start fighting with each other again.
Realtors are legally required to tell you if the house ghosts are too judgy
relationship goals
bias laundering edition
My 4yo may have misunderstood the fire safety information, but that hasn’t dampened his enthusiasm and now he’s walking round shouting “Stop Rock and Roll” like some 1980s puritanical parent.