got up early enough to go on a 10 mile run, lift weights, and stretch before having a healthy breakfast, i mean i didn’t do any of that but i definitely got up early enough to
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For Lent, I am giving up “JESUS”.
PS: To be clear, I won’t use his name as my first attempt on Wordle for the next 40 days.
JOKER ENDING EXPLAINED! those names were the people who worked on the film
Ate a healthy dinner, so I’m having pringles for dessert.
Hey guys with your phone in a hip holster, is it because your purse is too full with tampons?
I’ve been drinking my urine for years, but NASA still refuses to let me be an astronaut.
“There’s more to it than that” they say.
Whatever.
FIRST GUY TO EAT A BANANA: hey this is good come here and try it
FIRST GUY TO SLIP ON A BANANA PEEL: ok
After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
Saying “let me show you how it’s done”
– arrogant
– condescending
– vibe killerSaying “this is how we do it”
– it’s Friday night and I feel alright
– the party’s here on the west side
– so I reach for my 40 and I turn it up
– designated driver take the keys to my truck
Fun Prank: put a live turtle and a tiny pair of nunchucks in your toilet before your guests arrive
Overheard a couple in this restaurant fighting, so I fake proposed to my wife to add a lil fuel to that fire.
I haven’t worn corduroys since the great chafing incident in 92.
Me: Liquor then beer, hit a deer
Cop: Please get out of the vehicle
Man: You’re killing me
Comedian: [strangling man with cloth] this is great material
I made $12 in the cryptocurrency market. Learn how I did it in my new book, “How I made $12 in cryptocurrency market”.
I like to believe the Death Star was originally built for space billionaire gender reveal parties
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
The library is always busy; it’s fully booked.
“Hey man, do you know how long that’s been sitting out?” – People who clearly don’t understand my commitment to eating
I can tell exactly how much someone weighs by how much noise they make when I push them down the stairs.
What happens in the microwave, stays in the microwave.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
[hiking]
ME: I’m so tired
MOUNTAIN: please sit on my face
Me: Our neighbor is such a perv
Wife: Is he staring at our bedroom window again?
Me: *sets down binoculars* Yep
the chicken crossed the road for the same reason everyone else does— to avoid running into someone it knew
If I had a husband, I wouldn’t give him my address. Some things should be private.
channeling her this year
in ratatouille 2 we find out that the secret to remy’s talent was a flea named jacques who lived on his head and controlled him by tugging at his individual hairs
Who decides which tweets go viral and which ones don’t?? I have been putting out quality content for YEARS and I’m starting to understand how Leonardo DiCaprio felt waiting for his Oscar.
Girlfriend: I’m breaking up with you, it’s the way you have to make everything into a joke. I can’t do it any more, I’m just too tired
Me: *sadly* like a bicycle?
Ex Girlfriend:…
Challenge accepted.