Seals are just dog mermaids.
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What do you mean, “I need space,” are you okay oh my god do you need me to come over and bring space
Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
The first person to milk a cow was playing a savage game of Truth or Dare
On the periodic table, the elements are represented by two groups. The symbols and the atomic number.
Law and Order: Atomic Mass Unit
WIFE: I can’t believe you slept with my twin thinking it was me
ME: Cut me some slack – he was wearing your perfume
Just built a kite that’ll hold my cat. Figured if a mouse helped discover electricity then my cat & I should be able to unlock time travel.
This is just a quick reminder that we’re all gonna die one day so don’t get caught up in petty shit also stop stealing my tweets Greg.
Making toast in the bathtub just hits differently
911: 911, whats your emergency?
Man: a guy got hit by a car. He needs an ambulance.
911: what’s your location?
Man: I’m on eucalyptus st.
911: can you spell that for me?
Man: (pause)
911: Sir?
Man: I’m gonna drag him over to First ave & call you back
*First Date*
Me: I really like what you tried to do with what’s left of your hair.
one of my classmates said he’s going into consulting because he likes giving people his opinion but he doesn’t like doing anything lol
*watching my hamster gnaw on his tiny broadsword*
you are a disgrace to your lineage and bring great shame upon this house
I love rap beefs, it’s so romantic when two guys sing songs to each other
How is a guy supposed to take a nap in his car during lunch hour if people keep knocking on the window saying things like “are you ok?” and “you’re rolling down a hill.”
My favourite thing on Twitter is when someone completely drops their online persona to demand answers from a train company / broadband provider.
HB: *text* hey, what’s for dinner?
Me: Roast Chicken.
HB: cool, you need me to pick up anything on my way home?
Me: yes, a roast chicken.
I’m so over sweating. I’m putting a pin in sweating for the next two months. We can circle back on sweating in September.
last time i gave my number to a girl from a dating app like 3 texts in i asked her to call in a bomb threat to my job so i could go home and she never replied so i’ve just been kinda takin a break from that for a while
So #Scaramucci lands a job, gets his boss fired, has a baby, gets a divorce, and is fired in the same week? Sounds like a Seinfeld episode.
I ran out of coffee this morning, beer seemed like an acceptable replacement. Everyone is so pretty today.
I don’t always look like an uncombed, shaggy mess but when I do, please don’t report it as a Bigfoot sighting.
Me: my Husband always wanted a Viking funeral
Friend: but weren’t you supposed to wait until he died to shoot him with a flaming arrow?
Me: ugh, that’s what the jury said too.
Guard: visiting hours are up.
every grocery store becomes an escape room if you see someone you know
Annoying when people applaud the plane landing.
Worrying when you realise it’s the pilot and cabin crew.
My daughter got a sticker from her teacher that said ‘resilient tortoise.’
I’ve sent her in with one to give in return, ‘patronizing hippo.’
I learned about self care from watching my cat.
*in bed*
me: finally sweet sweet sleep
brain: i wonder what it would feel like to lay an egg
Sure, I want to find that perfect for me relationship, but experience has taught me it’s probably cupcakes.
This guy must be getting annoyed by now